Coastering

It's been 4 days since our doctor appointment to "finalize" this step of our process and it's already felt like a lifetime.  The peace and comfort I'd gained so quickly felt too good to be true and while I still feel them to a very logical degree, sadness and uncertainty has gained a little bit of an upper hand.

Friday morning the doctor's office called with cryptic-sounding news regarding some test results that required discussion and a decision on our next steps.  Unfortunately they closed at noon, hours before I got the message so I'm stuck worrying out the weekend.  The consensus has been that doctors and receptionists may not always be incredibly tactful or conscience of how their messages might be perceived and that I'm probably worrying over absolutely nothing, but the possibility of a pretty big something is scary.  My worst fear is that tomorrow morning I'll call for my results and be told they found something in my work up that will mean Clif and I won't be able to have our own children.  While I'm still praying and struggling for strength to accept that potential future for us (read: not assuming the worst but preparing for it ahead of time, just in case) I want to carry our child so desperately it's hard to fathom not being able to.  While miscarriages may be very common without there being any significant medical concern, there are also couples who encounter a difficulty, improbability or impossibility to get pregnant and it would be naive to think we couldn't be one of those couples.  I don't think that will be the case, but I wouldn't want to be blind sided.  Prepare for the worst, celebrate the best.

On top of the emotional ups and downs, the physical part of this process has not been a cake walk.  I'm going on days of feeling uncomfortable and crummy and ready to be done with that.  Keeping my fingers crossed I only have a few more days to go but it could be more than that and I just have to deal.

Yesterday I dropped Clif off at the airport where he made his way to Georgia to teach a class for a week.  I'm always sad to be apart from him but I cried the entire way home, consoled myself with ice cream and Mad Men then cuddled with the reluctant dogs to try to stem the tears until I fell into a fitful sleep.  I was already feeling anxious and depressed but not having him to hug, hold, and tell me everything will be ok is making coping even trickier.

All I can see around me is pregnant women and my heart hurts.  I realize the tone of this post is miles away from the last one, I guess just another learning experience in terms of having to get through the roller coaster of emotions.  I will never not feel blessed and thankful for all the gifts of my life but I feel like I am unintentionally steeling myself for grief and rage.  Unfortunately no matter how logical and rational I can think my emotions always run like wild horses and carry me off in the dust behind them. 

Praying for some good news tomorrow, even neutral or indifferent news would be great.  A break in these storm clouds in my head would be a cherry on top.