8:00 this morning, doctor's office closed. 8:30, still closed and wondering if closing at noon on Friday meant closing forever. 9:00 finally open and bracing myself for the news. So thankful that it's all good! We confirmed my blood type, learned my iron levels are great (excellent news since they've been slacking in the past) and everything else is just fine, nothing even close to being a borderline concern. Due back on Friday for more blood work to see how things are returning to normal in preparation to keep trying.
Sorry for the fear leakage but maybe it can be a goal of medical personnel to consider how the tone of a message could be wildly misconstrued by a raging hormonal recently ex-pregnant woman who is overly prone to freaking the heck out even when there isn't a valid biological excuse. Please and thank you!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Coastering
It's been 4 days since our doctor appointment to "finalize" this step of our process and it's already felt like a lifetime. The peace and comfort I'd gained so quickly felt too good to be true and while I still feel them to a very logical degree, sadness and uncertainty has gained a little bit of an upper hand.
Friday morning the doctor's office called with cryptic-sounding news regarding some test results that required discussion and a decision on our next steps. Unfortunately they closed at noon, hours before I got the message so I'm stuck worrying out the weekend. The consensus has been that doctors and receptionists may not always be incredibly tactful or conscience of how their messages might be perceived and that I'm probably worrying over absolutely nothing, but the possibility of a pretty big something is scary. My worst fear is that tomorrow morning I'll call for my results and be told they found something in my work up that will mean Clif and I won't be able to have our own children. While I'm still praying and struggling for strength to accept that potential future for us (read: not assuming the worst but preparing for it ahead of time, just in case) I want to carry our child so desperately it's hard to fathom not being able to. While miscarriages may be very common without there being any significant medical concern, there are also couples who encounter a difficulty, improbability or impossibility to get pregnant and it would be naive to think we couldn't be one of those couples. I don't think that will be the case, but I wouldn't want to be blind sided. Prepare for the worst, celebrate the best.
On top of the emotional ups and downs, the physical part of this process has not been a cake walk. I'm going on days of feeling uncomfortable and crummy and ready to be done with that. Keeping my fingers crossed I only have a few more days to go but it could be more than that and I just have to deal.
Yesterday I dropped Clif off at the airport where he made his way to Georgia to teach a class for a week. I'm always sad to be apart from him but I cried the entire way home, consoled myself with ice cream and Mad Men then cuddled with the reluctant dogs to try to stem the tears until I fell into a fitful sleep. I was already feeling anxious and depressed but not having him to hug, hold, and tell me everything will be ok is making coping even trickier.
All I can see around me is pregnant women and my heart hurts. I realize the tone of this post is miles away from the last one, I guess just another learning experience in terms of having to get through the roller coaster of emotions. I will never not feel blessed and thankful for all the gifts of my life but I feel like I am unintentionally steeling myself for grief and rage. Unfortunately no matter how logical and rational I can think my emotions always run like wild horses and carry me off in the dust behind them.
Praying for some good news tomorrow, even neutral or indifferent news would be great. A break in these storm clouds in my head would be a cherry on top.
Friday morning the doctor's office called with cryptic-sounding news regarding some test results that required discussion and a decision on our next steps. Unfortunately they closed at noon, hours before I got the message so I'm stuck worrying out the weekend. The consensus has been that doctors and receptionists may not always be incredibly tactful or conscience of how their messages might be perceived and that I'm probably worrying over absolutely nothing, but the possibility of a pretty big something is scary. My worst fear is that tomorrow morning I'll call for my results and be told they found something in my work up that will mean Clif and I won't be able to have our own children. While I'm still praying and struggling for strength to accept that potential future for us (read: not assuming the worst but preparing for it ahead of time, just in case) I want to carry our child so desperately it's hard to fathom not being able to. While miscarriages may be very common without there being any significant medical concern, there are also couples who encounter a difficulty, improbability or impossibility to get pregnant and it would be naive to think we couldn't be one of those couples. I don't think that will be the case, but I wouldn't want to be blind sided. Prepare for the worst, celebrate the best.
On top of the emotional ups and downs, the physical part of this process has not been a cake walk. I'm going on days of feeling uncomfortable and crummy and ready to be done with that. Keeping my fingers crossed I only have a few more days to go but it could be more than that and I just have to deal.
Yesterday I dropped Clif off at the airport where he made his way to Georgia to teach a class for a week. I'm always sad to be apart from him but I cried the entire way home, consoled myself with ice cream and Mad Men then cuddled with the reluctant dogs to try to stem the tears until I fell into a fitful sleep. I was already feeling anxious and depressed but not having him to hug, hold, and tell me everything will be ok is making coping even trickier.
All I can see around me is pregnant women and my heart hurts. I realize the tone of this post is miles away from the last one, I guess just another learning experience in terms of having to get through the roller coaster of emotions. I will never not feel blessed and thankful for all the gifts of my life but I feel like I am unintentionally steeling myself for grief and rage. Unfortunately no matter how logical and rational I can think my emotions always run like wild horses and carry me off in the dust behind them.
Praying for some good news tomorrow, even neutral or indifferent news would be great. A break in these storm clouds in my head would be a cherry on top.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Silver Linings
8/2/12
Monday, July 30th, 2012
Our very first appointment with the Loudoun Midwives. I was excited and eager for our appointment, feeling almost like it was the official kick off to our pregnancy. We had every intention of getting a more solid answer on our expected due date then share our happy news with our remaining friends and family via strategic picture updates on our Facebook profiles. That is not, however, what happened.
During our meeting with our midwife she mentioned we could opt to have an ultra sound to get a better idea of how far along we were, and it just so happened their technician had an available time slot right then. We moved down the hall and prepared for our first look at the baby. The technician was great but she was having trouble getting a clear enough view for an accurate size reading of the fetus (darn my uncooperative body parts) and called the hospital across the street to see if we could get an appointment with their higher tech equipment. Lucky strike number two, they had time to see us right away so we packed up and drove across the street with an ultrasound order in hand.
By then I was feeling pretty peckish and anxious, feeling my supposedly quick appointment was turning into a more significant late arrival to work than I had anticipated. When we checked in we were told it may be a little wait since they had to fit us in between scheduled appointments and the receptionist offered to get me some crackers. Before she could come back they were ready for us and she handed off my little snack as I passed her down the hall. Feeling proficient at the process by this point I got ready for the ultrasound in record time and marveled at the speed the technician worked to get the views and measurements she needed. Though no one had made any mention of hearing a heartbeat and having no experience with the high tech equipment she was using, I couldn't help but notice that at some views I could see a flash of red or blue that I thought I knew indicated blood flow in some capacity. I also couldn't help notice with a sinking heart that these flashes were not occurring in the vicinity of embryo where I thought they should be. Shaking it off as not understanding how the machine works I kept my focus on watching her work.
In next to no time she was done but not happy with what she saw; the size of the gestational sack indicated the pregnancy being about where we thought, a little over 8 weeks, but the embryo size was indicative of 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat present. Just like that. No preamble, no mincing of words, a solid blow to my stomach and all the air was gone from my lungs. The technician cleaned up the equipment, gestured to a box of tissues and told us the doctor would speak with us shortly to explain everything. I sat on the edge of the bed, light headed and tingling, and looked at Clif who could only look back.
We were escorted down the hall to our 5th room of the day which was unlike any of the others we'd been in; 3 chairs, 2 tables and a loveseat. No beds, no counters, no supplies or equipment. The doctor arrived fairly quickly and confirmed our fear, we'd lost the baby. I was numb and stared at him, wide-eyed to stem the flood of tears and trying hard to focus on what he was telling us. I lost the battle against the tears before he could finish leaving the room and he had to come back with a box of tissues. It took me a few moments to compose myself enough to leave the office, Clif remained together, strong and steadfast.
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. At this point I wasn't feeling up to returning to work and we went home where Clif fixed me a "margarita" (in quotations because, let's be honest, it was a wine glass of tequila rimmed with salt and barely a splash of mix). I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch with the tv, alternating between sobs and numb indifference. My family was amazing and took on some responsibility of spreading the news so I wouldn't have to relive it again and again.
For the first time I can remember I got on my knees to pray by my bed. I started by asking God for the gift of what Clif and I really wanted, to be able to have our own child. I quickly followed with a request for the more significant gift of strength and acceptance of His will over ours, whatever it might be. I prayed for a dear friend who was going through some issues that were leading her to believe she would not be able to get pregnant and for someone I knew who had a condition that would never allow them the chance. Clif and I were sad but it was important to keep perspective and take the opportunity to lift those who were in darker places than we were.
I didn't get much sleep that night and was up for most of it feeling horribly sick, my body physically rebelling.
Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
I went to work. Devastated, uncertain but mostly calloused and numb and honestly, at least it was a distraction. I don't know how I could have spent another day in my nightgown on the couch. Let me say how glad I am I made that choice. I never could have imagined the flood of love and support from my co-workers and friends, each offering a hug, best wishes and an invitation to talk to them at any time, ask them if there was anything they could do for us. I was even more floored by the number of times I was supported by people who shared their personal story of having gone through the exact same thing. Reading statistics of how common miscarriages are is one thing, experiencing how common it is is another thing entirely. It opened my eyes to the fact that no matter how sad and unpleasant a loss is, in a large way it is just part of the entire process, and that was strangely comforting.
My department got me flowers and a card to show their support and encouragement and people stopped by my office or left me messages online and my phone with warm wishes, each one lifting me up a little bit higher. In the middle of the day I heard from the friend who I'd prayed for the night before; her results were back and clear, her fears and anxieties relieved which brought me no small amount of joy and thanks. By the end of the day I felt completely different than I had starting the day. Hopeful, thankful, blessed, sad but understanding and ready to try again.
I didn't sleep much better and my body was still physically rebelling but I was thankful for a sense of peace.
Wednesday, August 1st, 2012
Clif and I had a consultation appointment to determine our next step. We had three choices on the table; 1. let my body process on its own time which could take up to several weeks of waiting. 2. opt for the surgical procedure that would remove the pregnancy and give us an opportunity to send tissue to be tested for any genetic abnormalities that may, or may not give us any beneficial information to the reason for the miscarriage. 3. medically induce contractions so we could have the control of when and where it happened.
Initially we'd made the knee jerk reaction to have the surgical procedure because that is what the specialist suggested. After taking some time to do research, process the information and learn how common 1 or more miscarriages were before a successful pregnancy the surgical option dropped to the bottom of the list. There was no great reason to feel we needed the testing, we just needed to try again. That said, waiting for my body to decide when to reject was not very favorable, either, so I was glad for the middle-road option.
I spent the better portion of the day in bed or on the couch with a heating pad and medication to try to stay ahead of the pain curve (trying to catch up when you get too far behind is nearly impossible) and did a fairly decent job. I alternated between feeling pretty miserable and surprisingly ok and made it through what I'd anticipated to be a horrific day with a decent amount of grace and calm.
I had the best night's rest I'd had all week.
Thursday, August 2nd, 2012
I feel better than I think I should, which is either excellent or scary news. I am thankful that I don't feel like I lost a game of chicken with a Mac truck, but I'm nervous it means I may not have passed everything I needed to which further means I may still have to have the surgical procedure anyway. We will know better next week when we get a blood test to check the hormone levels to see if they have come back down to zero.
In the meantime I am thankful for the mental and emotional place I've reached, a place I couldn't have reached without Clif being my rock and the love of friends and family. While I am eager for this particular chapter to be over so we can try again I am humbled and thankful for the unexpected blessings this experience has brought us that we wouldn't have had otherwise.
Monday, July 30th, 2012
Our very first appointment with the Loudoun Midwives. I was excited and eager for our appointment, feeling almost like it was the official kick off to our pregnancy. We had every intention of getting a more solid answer on our expected due date then share our happy news with our remaining friends and family via strategic picture updates on our Facebook profiles. That is not, however, what happened.
During our meeting with our midwife she mentioned we could opt to have an ultra sound to get a better idea of how far along we were, and it just so happened their technician had an available time slot right then. We moved down the hall and prepared for our first look at the baby. The technician was great but she was having trouble getting a clear enough view for an accurate size reading of the fetus (darn my uncooperative body parts) and called the hospital across the street to see if we could get an appointment with their higher tech equipment. Lucky strike number two, they had time to see us right away so we packed up and drove across the street with an ultrasound order in hand.
By then I was feeling pretty peckish and anxious, feeling my supposedly quick appointment was turning into a more significant late arrival to work than I had anticipated. When we checked in we were told it may be a little wait since they had to fit us in between scheduled appointments and the receptionist offered to get me some crackers. Before she could come back they were ready for us and she handed off my little snack as I passed her down the hall. Feeling proficient at the process by this point I got ready for the ultrasound in record time and marveled at the speed the technician worked to get the views and measurements she needed. Though no one had made any mention of hearing a heartbeat and having no experience with the high tech equipment she was using, I couldn't help but notice that at some views I could see a flash of red or blue that I thought I knew indicated blood flow in some capacity. I also couldn't help notice with a sinking heart that these flashes were not occurring in the vicinity of embryo where I thought they should be. Shaking it off as not understanding how the machine works I kept my focus on watching her work.
In next to no time she was done but not happy with what she saw; the size of the gestational sack indicated the pregnancy being about where we thought, a little over 8 weeks, but the embryo size was indicative of 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat present. Just like that. No preamble, no mincing of words, a solid blow to my stomach and all the air was gone from my lungs. The technician cleaned up the equipment, gestured to a box of tissues and told us the doctor would speak with us shortly to explain everything. I sat on the edge of the bed, light headed and tingling, and looked at Clif who could only look back.
We were escorted down the hall to our 5th room of the day which was unlike any of the others we'd been in; 3 chairs, 2 tables and a loveseat. No beds, no counters, no supplies or equipment. The doctor arrived fairly quickly and confirmed our fear, we'd lost the baby. I was numb and stared at him, wide-eyed to stem the flood of tears and trying hard to focus on what he was telling us. I lost the battle against the tears before he could finish leaving the room and he had to come back with a box of tissues. It took me a few moments to compose myself enough to leave the office, Clif remained together, strong and steadfast.
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. At this point I wasn't feeling up to returning to work and we went home where Clif fixed me a "margarita" (in quotations because, let's be honest, it was a wine glass of tequila rimmed with salt and barely a splash of mix). I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch with the tv, alternating between sobs and numb indifference. My family was amazing and took on some responsibility of spreading the news so I wouldn't have to relive it again and again.
For the first time I can remember I got on my knees to pray by my bed. I started by asking God for the gift of what Clif and I really wanted, to be able to have our own child. I quickly followed with a request for the more significant gift of strength and acceptance of His will over ours, whatever it might be. I prayed for a dear friend who was going through some issues that were leading her to believe she would not be able to get pregnant and for someone I knew who had a condition that would never allow them the chance. Clif and I were sad but it was important to keep perspective and take the opportunity to lift those who were in darker places than we were.
I didn't get much sleep that night and was up for most of it feeling horribly sick, my body physically rebelling.
Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
I went to work. Devastated, uncertain but mostly calloused and numb and honestly, at least it was a distraction. I don't know how I could have spent another day in my nightgown on the couch. Let me say how glad I am I made that choice. I never could have imagined the flood of love and support from my co-workers and friends, each offering a hug, best wishes and an invitation to talk to them at any time, ask them if there was anything they could do for us. I was even more floored by the number of times I was supported by people who shared their personal story of having gone through the exact same thing. Reading statistics of how common miscarriages are is one thing, experiencing how common it is is another thing entirely. It opened my eyes to the fact that no matter how sad and unpleasant a loss is, in a large way it is just part of the entire process, and that was strangely comforting.
My department got me flowers and a card to show their support and encouragement and people stopped by my office or left me messages online and my phone with warm wishes, each one lifting me up a little bit higher. In the middle of the day I heard from the friend who I'd prayed for the night before; her results were back and clear, her fears and anxieties relieved which brought me no small amount of joy and thanks. By the end of the day I felt completely different than I had starting the day. Hopeful, thankful, blessed, sad but understanding and ready to try again.
I didn't sleep much better and my body was still physically rebelling but I was thankful for a sense of peace.
Wednesday, August 1st, 2012
Clif and I had a consultation appointment to determine our next step. We had three choices on the table; 1. let my body process on its own time which could take up to several weeks of waiting. 2. opt for the surgical procedure that would remove the pregnancy and give us an opportunity to send tissue to be tested for any genetic abnormalities that may, or may not give us any beneficial information to the reason for the miscarriage. 3. medically induce contractions so we could have the control of when and where it happened.
Initially we'd made the knee jerk reaction to have the surgical procedure because that is what the specialist suggested. After taking some time to do research, process the information and learn how common 1 or more miscarriages were before a successful pregnancy the surgical option dropped to the bottom of the list. There was no great reason to feel we needed the testing, we just needed to try again. That said, waiting for my body to decide when to reject was not very favorable, either, so I was glad for the middle-road option.
I spent the better portion of the day in bed or on the couch with a heating pad and medication to try to stay ahead of the pain curve (trying to catch up when you get too far behind is nearly impossible) and did a fairly decent job. I alternated between feeling pretty miserable and surprisingly ok and made it through what I'd anticipated to be a horrific day with a decent amount of grace and calm.
I had the best night's rest I'd had all week.
Thursday, August 2nd, 2012
I feel better than I think I should, which is either excellent or scary news. I am thankful that I don't feel like I lost a game of chicken with a Mac truck, but I'm nervous it means I may not have passed everything I needed to which further means I may still have to have the surgical procedure anyway. We will know better next week when we get a blood test to check the hormone levels to see if they have come back down to zero.
In the meantime I am thankful for the mental and emotional place I've reached, a place I couldn't have reached without Clif being my rock and the love of friends and family. While I am eager for this particular chapter to be over so we can try again I am humbled and thankful for the unexpected blessings this experience has brought us that we wouldn't have had otherwise.
Switches
7/27/12
In the last couple of days it seems someone has dialed down the nausea factor, which is an incredibly welcome relief. I'm still touchy, though, and need to make sure I'm eating throughout the day to try to head off the hunger and subsequent crummy feelings.
In other news, yesterday my mood swing switched got flipped. Some co-workers say they've noticed I've been more quiet and sedate lately (no doubt due to my weariness, both at having to accomplish the incredible task of breathing, much less powering through a full day of work and the effort it takes to not flee to the bathroom every 15 minutes). Our daily customer service meeting must have been quite a surprise, then, when I found myself cracking joke after joke. I almost couldn't stop myself from saying exactly what was on my mind after every other question or topic that was brought up and became the comic of the meeting. Problem is every time I started giggling at myself and my absurd, out-of-the-blue stand up routine I walked the line of it turning into uncontrollable tears. Very awkward. I was sure I would look so insane I'd have to break the news early by way of explanation for my behavior. Luckily everyone thought I was just having a good laugh and didn't suspect anything unusual, despite my internal struggle to stay on the better side of roaring laughter and racking sobs.
Milk has become my best friend and I am craving it like crazy, which is excellent as there are far worse things to crave, like beer-battered cheese bites (reminder to self: STOP GROCERY SHOPPING WHILE PREGNANT!). Thankfully that devilish snack got reduced heartily in numbers thanks to being baked on an ancient pizza pan that finally gave up the ghost, and by ghost I mean it's coating via adherence to the bottom of my sinful cheese nibblets. The Universe's way of saying, "Stop being stupid!". Thanks, Universe!
Yesterday was extra fun when I was called out by two more friends. One of which, a co-worker, I was convinced has known my news since I first found out. She's uber intuitive like that and said she has known something was going on. She'd almost managed to convince herself that for the first time she may have been wrong but yesterday all the puzzle pieces came together and she outed me. The other was an even bigger surprise when I called a friend from grade-school to have a quick chat and the first words out of her mouth were to ask if I was pregnant. This caught me completely off guard as we don't communicate very often and I couldn't begin to understand how she could have come to that conclusion. Turns out just about everyone who'd called her in the past week or so was sharing the same news, so I just added to her list. During our call I learned my best friend from school is also pregnant and expecting 2 months before us. What are the odds?
Our very first appointment with the midwives is on Monday (July 30th) and I'm getting really excited for it. Last night I was so excited I woke up at 3 in the morning and couldn't for the life of me get back to sleep. I eventually drifted off but today my body is angry I lost that precious time. Monday can't come soon enough as I'm ready to really feel like we're getting this show on the road (something about the first appointment just feels so official) and we'll finally be making the public announcement of the news. Trying to keep the secret has A) been incredibly difficult and B) pretty much a failure as the number of people who know is fairly huge. Come on, Monday!
In the last couple of days it seems someone has dialed down the nausea factor, which is an incredibly welcome relief. I'm still touchy, though, and need to make sure I'm eating throughout the day to try to head off the hunger and subsequent crummy feelings.
In other news, yesterday my mood swing switched got flipped. Some co-workers say they've noticed I've been more quiet and sedate lately (no doubt due to my weariness, both at having to accomplish the incredible task of breathing, much less powering through a full day of work and the effort it takes to not flee to the bathroom every 15 minutes). Our daily customer service meeting must have been quite a surprise, then, when I found myself cracking joke after joke. I almost couldn't stop myself from saying exactly what was on my mind after every other question or topic that was brought up and became the comic of the meeting. Problem is every time I started giggling at myself and my absurd, out-of-the-blue stand up routine I walked the line of it turning into uncontrollable tears. Very awkward. I was sure I would look so insane I'd have to break the news early by way of explanation for my behavior. Luckily everyone thought I was just having a good laugh and didn't suspect anything unusual, despite my internal struggle to stay on the better side of roaring laughter and racking sobs.
Milk has become my best friend and I am craving it like crazy, which is excellent as there are far worse things to crave, like beer-battered cheese bites (reminder to self: STOP GROCERY SHOPPING WHILE PREGNANT!). Thankfully that devilish snack got reduced heartily in numbers thanks to being baked on an ancient pizza pan that finally gave up the ghost, and by ghost I mean it's coating via adherence to the bottom of my sinful cheese nibblets. The Universe's way of saying, "Stop being stupid!". Thanks, Universe!
Yesterday was extra fun when I was called out by two more friends. One of which, a co-worker, I was convinced has known my news since I first found out. She's uber intuitive like that and said she has known something was going on. She'd almost managed to convince herself that for the first time she may have been wrong but yesterday all the puzzle pieces came together and she outed me. The other was an even bigger surprise when I called a friend from grade-school to have a quick chat and the first words out of her mouth were to ask if I was pregnant. This caught me completely off guard as we don't communicate very often and I couldn't begin to understand how she could have come to that conclusion. Turns out just about everyone who'd called her in the past week or so was sharing the same news, so I just added to her list. During our call I learned my best friend from school is also pregnant and expecting 2 months before us. What are the odds?
Our very first appointment with the midwives is on Monday (July 30th) and I'm getting really excited for it. Last night I was so excited I woke up at 3 in the morning and couldn't for the life of me get back to sleep. I eventually drifted off but today my body is angry I lost that precious time. Monday can't come soon enough as I'm ready to really feel like we're getting this show on the road (something about the first appointment just feels so official) and we'll finally be making the public announcement of the news. Trying to keep the secret has A) been incredibly difficult and B) pretty much a failure as the number of people who know is fairly huge. Come on, Monday!
Lucky Girl
7/19/12
Yesterday was the first day I've been in a wretched funk since we found out the good news. The night before I'd had a somewhat emotional event with some friends I've known for years from an online game. It was nothing major but since I'm now ultra sensitive, it seems, it affected me more deeply than it should have. This was followed shortly by Clif announcing his sudden distaste of my absolutely favorite boy name, a grievous mistake.
I have many hobbies that I love dearly and luckily most of them are very neutral-gender specific. A few of them, however, I know I would have a difficult if not impossible time sharing with a son, therefore I am convinced if Clif and I have multiple children they will all be boys. It would figure I'd want so badly to have one of each, especially a girl I can dress up in sequins and frills, only to not get the opportunity. Now, please do NOT misunderstand me, I will love sons with every ounce of my being and will be happy and fulfilled to have them, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't wish for the opportunity to have a girl, too.
Anyway, convinced we're having boys. More challenging is the fact that I am really drawn to unique but not common names that don't sound completely ridiculous. These seem to be easier to find when it comes to girl names and I really have a hard time finding boy names that I like, so when I came across one that I fell in love with several years ago I felt like I'd hit the jackpot! Clif all along had said he was good with my name selection and we even mentioned our would-be son by that name on occasion when talking about future children. You can, I'm sure, understand my blind-sided surprise and hurt when he pulled the rug out from under me by suddenly announcing he actually didn't like it at all. By the way, did I mention I'm emotional?
I was angry. Hurt and angry. Hurt, angry, completely frustrated and ready to HATE absolutely every other name suggestion. I went as far and (truthfully) told him we could look for other options but I'd never find one I loved as much as my first choice. Sometimes I can get a little grumpy.
The next morning I was sure I'd have slept it off and could return to my previous state of pregnant and glowing, but alas, the irritation was still there and I went through my first day of mildly upset tummy to boot. By late afternoon I was feeling better, had even had a few gut-rumbling laugh sessions with friends at work and was sure to have a lovely evening, despite my indecisive stomach.
Clif was a little stressy when I got home which always manages to throw my stress level through the roof. I prepared for a session with my computer and a glass of veggie juice in an effort to stay out of his way. Much to my pleasure he channeled himself into an evening of envying productivity, including, but not limited to, changing the cat litter box, doing a ton of dishes and cooking us an amazing dinner. A dinner that needs it's own tangent:
My wonderful husband is a picky fish eater. His seafood preference? Raw, please! Strange, right? Not that sushi isn't great but most people who are picky about their fish tend towards the cooked variety but he's just the opposite. He also is a professed not-fan of salmon! This is utterly ridiculous to me as salmon is simply fantastic.
We have never purchased, prepared or eaten salmon in our home before so it was shocking when he went so far as to suggest we get some individually wrapped frozen filets. I guess less shocking given he has been doing an astronomical amount of research on this whole pregnancy thing and knows way more about what I should and shouldn't be doing, drinking and eating than I do. Salmon is on the good list so he wanted it in the house for me to eat. Thanks to my mother Clif discovered one preparation of salmon that he not only tolerated but liked. Sadly for him it was too sweet and "complicated" for my palate last night. I requested my portion be prepared simply, maybe with a little bit of soy sauce. After putting in my request I left him to his devices. I did not expect when he was done to see two portions of garlic teryaki salmon on beds of fluffy rice. I watched him out of the corner of my eye to see how he would react to his own creation of a food he wouldn't even willingly select, much less prepare.
My gracious, it was one of the best dinners we've had! He NAILED it and I can't wait for him to fix it again! The best part? He loved it as much as I did and was so proud, as he had every right to be.
Then this morning he followed me out of bed to tell me how much he loved me, hugged and kissed me and told me that my favorite boy name was alright with him.
Since I took that silly little test not even two weeks ago I have been beyond floored with the person Clif has become. Though I feel that's unfair, Clif has always been wonderful but ever since last Monday he's had this extra oomph about him that blows my mind. His tender sweetness and consideration for me and how I'm feeling is overwhelming and I am so joyous because of it. We have been so incredibly loving and caring for each other in ways that move me. I know we will have down days, I'm sure plenty of them, and at some point the new and shiny factor will rub off a bit. The wider and more uncomfortable I grow I'm sure will be in direct proportion to my grumpy factor but I'm going to do everything I can to keep it in check and take care of Clif the way he's taking care of me.
Yesterday was the first day I've been in a wretched funk since we found out the good news. The night before I'd had a somewhat emotional event with some friends I've known for years from an online game. It was nothing major but since I'm now ultra sensitive, it seems, it affected me more deeply than it should have. This was followed shortly by Clif announcing his sudden distaste of my absolutely favorite boy name, a grievous mistake.
I have many hobbies that I love dearly and luckily most of them are very neutral-gender specific. A few of them, however, I know I would have a difficult if not impossible time sharing with a son, therefore I am convinced if Clif and I have multiple children they will all be boys. It would figure I'd want so badly to have one of each, especially a girl I can dress up in sequins and frills, only to not get the opportunity. Now, please do NOT misunderstand me, I will love sons with every ounce of my being and will be happy and fulfilled to have them, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't wish for the opportunity to have a girl, too.
Anyway, convinced we're having boys. More challenging is the fact that I am really drawn to unique but not common names that don't sound completely ridiculous. These seem to be easier to find when it comes to girl names and I really have a hard time finding boy names that I like, so when I came across one that I fell in love with several years ago I felt like I'd hit the jackpot! Clif all along had said he was good with my name selection and we even mentioned our would-be son by that name on occasion when talking about future children. You can, I'm sure, understand my blind-sided surprise and hurt when he pulled the rug out from under me by suddenly announcing he actually didn't like it at all. By the way, did I mention I'm emotional?
I was angry. Hurt and angry. Hurt, angry, completely frustrated and ready to HATE absolutely every other name suggestion. I went as far and (truthfully) told him we could look for other options but I'd never find one I loved as much as my first choice. Sometimes I can get a little grumpy.
The next morning I was sure I'd have slept it off and could return to my previous state of pregnant and glowing, but alas, the irritation was still there and I went through my first day of mildly upset tummy to boot. By late afternoon I was feeling better, had even had a few gut-rumbling laugh sessions with friends at work and was sure to have a lovely evening, despite my indecisive stomach.
Clif was a little stressy when I got home which always manages to throw my stress level through the roof. I prepared for a session with my computer and a glass of veggie juice in an effort to stay out of his way. Much to my pleasure he channeled himself into an evening of envying productivity, including, but not limited to, changing the cat litter box, doing a ton of dishes and cooking us an amazing dinner. A dinner that needs it's own tangent:
My wonderful husband is a picky fish eater. His seafood preference? Raw, please! Strange, right? Not that sushi isn't great but most people who are picky about their fish tend towards the cooked variety but he's just the opposite. He also is a professed not-fan of salmon! This is utterly ridiculous to me as salmon is simply fantastic.
We have never purchased, prepared or eaten salmon in our home before so it was shocking when he went so far as to suggest we get some individually wrapped frozen filets. I guess less shocking given he has been doing an astronomical amount of research on this whole pregnancy thing and knows way more about what I should and shouldn't be doing, drinking and eating than I do. Salmon is on the good list so he wanted it in the house for me to eat. Thanks to my mother Clif discovered one preparation of salmon that he not only tolerated but liked. Sadly for him it was too sweet and "complicated" for my palate last night. I requested my portion be prepared simply, maybe with a little bit of soy sauce. After putting in my request I left him to his devices. I did not expect when he was done to see two portions of garlic teryaki salmon on beds of fluffy rice. I watched him out of the corner of my eye to see how he would react to his own creation of a food he wouldn't even willingly select, much less prepare.
My gracious, it was one of the best dinners we've had! He NAILED it and I can't wait for him to fix it again! The best part? He loved it as much as I did and was so proud, as he had every right to be.
Then this morning he followed me out of bed to tell me how much he loved me, hugged and kissed me and told me that my favorite boy name was alright with him.
Since I took that silly little test not even two weeks ago I have been beyond floored with the person Clif has become. Though I feel that's unfair, Clif has always been wonderful but ever since last Monday he's had this extra oomph about him that blows my mind. His tender sweetness and consideration for me and how I'm feeling is overwhelming and I am so joyous because of it. We have been so incredibly loving and caring for each other in ways that move me. I know we will have down days, I'm sure plenty of them, and at some point the new and shiny factor will rub off a bit. The wider and more uncomfortable I grow I'm sure will be in direct proportion to my grumpy factor but I'm going to do everything I can to keep it in check and take care of Clif the way he's taking care of me.
Close
7/10/12
Yesterday on my way home from work I learned my 90-something grandmother was in the hospital. The details were lacking but we knew it involved a 911 call, an ambulance ride and a lot of scary unknowns.
Earlier, around lunch time, I randomly made the decision that I wanted to tell her Clif and I were expecting. We hadn't decided yet if we wanted to go ahead and share the news with her or wait until we were out of the first trimester woods, just in case something happened. I had a sudden stroke of "you never know what tomorrow will bring" and realized if we waited and ended up missing our opportunity to tell her she had another great grand baby on the way I'd never be able to forgive myself. This revelation made extra significant and chilling upon hearing the news that she was suddenly not doing well at all.
My sister was the chosen contact person, the one who would be called with updates from the hospital who would in turn spread it to the rest of the clan. I told her if at all possible I wanted Grandma to know our news, even if it meant having Mom tell her if we couldn't talk to her directly. A few minutes later Mom called from our Associate Pastor's cell phone, teary but strong, to say Grandma wasn't completely responsive but could hear and asked if I wanted to tell her the news. They put me on speaker phone and held it close to Grandma so I could tell her that Clif and I loved her and we wanted her to know we were going to have a baby. She couldn't speak back but Mom and Trish told me she had heard me and was crying, we all were.
This morning the news from the hospital is slightly better than yesterday but still uncertain and scary. Things might both be better and at least as bad as we'd feared but Grandma has improved significantly. She was perkier, eating and communicating by last evening, all significant improvements to hours before. I haven't had the chance to call her hospital room yet to hopefully carry on a conversation with her, and we don't know what direction things will go over the next several days, but I'm so thankful I got the chance to share our joy with her.
Yesterday on my way home from work I learned my 90-something grandmother was in the hospital. The details were lacking but we knew it involved a 911 call, an ambulance ride and a lot of scary unknowns.
Earlier, around lunch time, I randomly made the decision that I wanted to tell her Clif and I were expecting. We hadn't decided yet if we wanted to go ahead and share the news with her or wait until we were out of the first trimester woods, just in case something happened. I had a sudden stroke of "you never know what tomorrow will bring" and realized if we waited and ended up missing our opportunity to tell her she had another great grand baby on the way I'd never be able to forgive myself. This revelation made extra significant and chilling upon hearing the news that she was suddenly not doing well at all.
My sister was the chosen contact person, the one who would be called with updates from the hospital who would in turn spread it to the rest of the clan. I told her if at all possible I wanted Grandma to know our news, even if it meant having Mom tell her if we couldn't talk to her directly. A few minutes later Mom called from our Associate Pastor's cell phone, teary but strong, to say Grandma wasn't completely responsive but could hear and asked if I wanted to tell her the news. They put me on speaker phone and held it close to Grandma so I could tell her that Clif and I loved her and we wanted her to know we were going to have a baby. She couldn't speak back but Mom and Trish told me she had heard me and was crying, we all were.
This morning the news from the hospital is slightly better than yesterday but still uncertain and scary. Things might both be better and at least as bad as we'd feared but Grandma has improved significantly. She was perkier, eating and communicating by last evening, all significant improvements to hours before. I haven't had the chance to call her hospital room yet to hopefully carry on a conversation with her, and we don't know what direction things will go over the next several days, but I'm so thankful I got the chance to share our joy with her.
Feeling It
7/17/12
For a while there I thought I might just make it out of the morning sickness woods. Alas, it was not to be. While I don't feel I can call my symptoms full blown sickness, the mild to moderately and obnoxiously vague nauseous feeling that has settled in for an extended stay is not my idea of a good time. I find myself flipping through a mental rolodex of food options, gambling with which will come first; something that sounds appealing or a stomach evacuation.
The weariness seems to be catching up to me a bit, too. Truthfully I think I'm getting a ton of really good sleep (thanks, Singulair!), but I wake up feeling bone tired and don't get me started on the late afternoon drag.
Let's see, what other gifts is this trimester supposed to have for me... sore and tender? Check. Moody? Triple check! Poor Clif, I already feel bad for the roller coaster of emotion he'll have to ride through with me.
I was really hoping to not lose motivation to do, I don't know, pretty much anything this early on in the game. My intentions of staying active, eating healthy and kick start the nesting habits extra early are going to be more difficult to accomplish than I'd thought.
For a while there I thought I might just make it out of the morning sickness woods. Alas, it was not to be. While I don't feel I can call my symptoms full blown sickness, the mild to moderately and obnoxiously vague nauseous feeling that has settled in for an extended stay is not my idea of a good time. I find myself flipping through a mental rolodex of food options, gambling with which will come first; something that sounds appealing or a stomach evacuation.
The weariness seems to be catching up to me a bit, too. Truthfully I think I'm getting a ton of really good sleep (thanks, Singulair!), but I wake up feeling bone tired and don't get me started on the late afternoon drag.
Let's see, what other gifts is this trimester supposed to have for me... sore and tender? Check. Moody? Triple check! Poor Clif, I already feel bad for the roller coaster of emotion he'll have to ride through with me.
I was really hoping to not lose motivation to do, I don't know, pretty much anything this early on in the game. My intentions of staying active, eating healthy and kick start the nesting habits extra early are going to be more difficult to accomplish than I'd thought.
The First Week
7/8/12
Monday, July 2, 2012
Clif and I made plans to visit his parents while they were in DC for dinner. As has become our unofficial tradition we drove to their place then all four of us walked to one of our favorite restaurants a couple of blocks away. After we placed our food orders Clif stated he had a very big announcement to make. I didn't know what his announcement was but I knew it wasn't that we were expecting, though I wanted to be able to make that announcement so badly. Clif told us about his plans to write a new book and we carried on with our evening as usual.
We were almost home when Clif didn't notice a giant opossum crossing the street. Sure he had seen it and would stop I waited until the last second to speak up, resulting in an unfortunate bumpy ride for us and the opossum (luckily we're pretty sure all 3 of us survived the incident). I can't help myself, I was upset and felt sorry for the silly creature. When we got home, in a random effort to distract myself from the near-road kill, I stumbled across a pregnancy test in my junk drawer, a hand off from my sister who didn't need it anymore. About a minute later I met Clif in the hallway with the test in one hand and the result key pulled up on my iPhone in the other (the instructions hadn't made it on the journey with the test).
We were shocked and giddy and I think in a state of disbelief. Clif noticed the test I'd taken had expired in January and I convinced him to run to the 24-hour grocery store. The second positive result felt just a little more real.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I try to focus on work. My face hurts from grinning. At least 3 co-workers look at me like I'm up to something, confirmed by the fact that they tell me they think I'm up to something.
Meanwhile, Clif is scheming. While out to dinner with his parents we'd made plans to have lunch with them on the Fourth. They would be flying to Germany so we offered to drive them to the airport after a bite to eat at one of our favorite restaurants. Clif called my parents and invited them to join us under the pretense of surprising his folks since the four of them don't see each other very often. It would be lunch full of surprises.
Wednesday, July 4th, 2012
Clif and I woke up early and got to work. We dressed up, prepared a prop and pulled together the things we needed to make our announcement surprise for the parents. An hour and half later I took an hour nap while Clif wrapped our framed picture of us holding a chalk board saying "Coming March 6, 2013" (our estimated due date). Then we hit the road.
We bumped into two of my friends at the restaurant, which was a surprise for us. Luckily we were able to pull of the excuse of not getting all together very often as we really wanted our family to be the first to hear the news. His parents were adequately surprised to see mine and we sat for a lovely meal. My stomach quickly started to turn with nerves and I knew I'd never be able to eat if we didn't get the announcement over with.
I kept kneeing Clif to start the announcement and he kept deferring to our parents chatting and catching up with each other. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and jumped into the conversation. I pulled our framed pictures out of my purse and we handed them to the dads who passed them off to the moms. My mom got her gift open quickly and understood what it was immediately, handing it off to my dad who was ready with a hearty congratulations. We stopped him mid-sentence, though, Clif's mom hadn't finished opening her package yet. Clif was trying to get her to open faster and his dad was trying to help her. They got it opened and his mom immediately commented on the dress I was wearing (I'd worn it Monday night and they had loved it). We kept telling her there was more to see but she hadn't gotten to the sign yet. Clif's dad understood what the picture said first, his mom only half a step behind. I was a surprise-filled, exciting lunch.
Thursday, July 5th - Sunday, July 8th, 2012
The remainder of the week was more of similar: lots of grins, growing excitement and anticipation. I'd been saying for years I wanted to drink more water and eat healthier, now I had to do those things. The house is stocked with lots of proteins, fruits and veggies and water and oyster crackers are becoming my new constant companions.
Our first doctor appointment is at the end of the month and we'll have "official" confirmation. By our estimation we are 4-5 weeks in and have a loooong way to go. We understand the risks of the first trimester but we are excited and eager for every new step we'll face along the way.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Clif and I made plans to visit his parents while they were in DC for dinner. As has become our unofficial tradition we drove to their place then all four of us walked to one of our favorite restaurants a couple of blocks away. After we placed our food orders Clif stated he had a very big announcement to make. I didn't know what his announcement was but I knew it wasn't that we were expecting, though I wanted to be able to make that announcement so badly. Clif told us about his plans to write a new book and we carried on with our evening as usual.
We were almost home when Clif didn't notice a giant opossum crossing the street. Sure he had seen it and would stop I waited until the last second to speak up, resulting in an unfortunate bumpy ride for us and the opossum (luckily we're pretty sure all 3 of us survived the incident). I can't help myself, I was upset and felt sorry for the silly creature. When we got home, in a random effort to distract myself from the near-road kill, I stumbled across a pregnancy test in my junk drawer, a hand off from my sister who didn't need it anymore. About a minute later I met Clif in the hallway with the test in one hand and the result key pulled up on my iPhone in the other (the instructions hadn't made it on the journey with the test).
We were shocked and giddy and I think in a state of disbelief. Clif noticed the test I'd taken had expired in January and I convinced him to run to the 24-hour grocery store. The second positive result felt just a little more real.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I try to focus on work. My face hurts from grinning. At least 3 co-workers look at me like I'm up to something, confirmed by the fact that they tell me they think I'm up to something.
Meanwhile, Clif is scheming. While out to dinner with his parents we'd made plans to have lunch with them on the Fourth. They would be flying to Germany so we offered to drive them to the airport after a bite to eat at one of our favorite restaurants. Clif called my parents and invited them to join us under the pretense of surprising his folks since the four of them don't see each other very often. It would be lunch full of surprises.
Wednesday, July 4th, 2012
Clif and I woke up early and got to work. We dressed up, prepared a prop and pulled together the things we needed to make our announcement surprise for the parents. An hour and half later I took an hour nap while Clif wrapped our framed picture of us holding a chalk board saying "Coming March 6, 2013" (our estimated due date). Then we hit the road.
We bumped into two of my friends at the restaurant, which was a surprise for us. Luckily we were able to pull of the excuse of not getting all together very often as we really wanted our family to be the first to hear the news. His parents were adequately surprised to see mine and we sat for a lovely meal. My stomach quickly started to turn with nerves and I knew I'd never be able to eat if we didn't get the announcement over with.
I kept kneeing Clif to start the announcement and he kept deferring to our parents chatting and catching up with each other. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and jumped into the conversation. I pulled our framed pictures out of my purse and we handed them to the dads who passed them off to the moms. My mom got her gift open quickly and understood what it was immediately, handing it off to my dad who was ready with a hearty congratulations. We stopped him mid-sentence, though, Clif's mom hadn't finished opening her package yet. Clif was trying to get her to open faster and his dad was trying to help her. They got it opened and his mom immediately commented on the dress I was wearing (I'd worn it Monday night and they had loved it). We kept telling her there was more to see but she hadn't gotten to the sign yet. Clif's dad understood what the picture said first, his mom only half a step behind. I was a surprise-filled, exciting lunch.
Thursday, July 5th - Sunday, July 8th, 2012
The remainder of the week was more of similar: lots of grins, growing excitement and anticipation. I'd been saying for years I wanted to drink more water and eat healthier, now I had to do those things. The house is stocked with lots of proteins, fruits and veggies and water and oyster crackers are becoming my new constant companions.
Our first doctor appointment is at the end of the month and we'll have "official" confirmation. By our estimation we are 4-5 weeks in and have a loooong way to go. We understand the risks of the first trimester but we are excited and eager for every new step we'll face along the way.
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