It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Wow, I'm really terrible at this regular blog update thing.

Christmas is in a week.  It's hard to believe, and more than a little terrifying, how fast time flies.  I remember how long the month of December felt when I was younger.  Thanksgiving would come and go and it still felt like an eternity until Christmas day.  I actually didn't mind, my favorite part about Christmas is the build up to it: the music, decorating, festive outfits, holiday movies viewed in PJs with mugs of hot chocolate.  I love Christmas day, but there's a hint of sadness as the day slips by.  All too soon it is over and the entire year looms until it comes around again.

I've noticed, as I've gotten older, my love of the Christmas build up and dread of the letdown when it's over have increased 10-fold.  I've almost adopted a method of self-preservation by not getting as excited about it as I was when I was younger (not even a kid, just younger).  It certainly doesn't help that holidays, and life in general, is just different when you are an adult.  The holiday stress you knew your parents felt, but didn't make sense to you, all of a sudden is stark and real.  Traffic sucks, people are grumpy, and if you haven't saved some PTO you still have to go to work.  Luckily I save as much of PTO for the end of year as possible, so I'll have a nice break at home.

For the first time in several years my anticipation of Christmas day has ramped to child-like heights.  I blame that on a few things: 1) Clif and I have both been working on generating supplemental incomes for our family, which means that our savings can grow, but we also have a little bit extra to have a bigger Christmas than we usually do.  Christmas isn't about the presents, there are so many more important things than that, but seeing our tree surrounded by beautifully wrapped gifts for our loved ones does have a certain warm and fuzzy feel.  2) We have a child.  He is too young to really understand any of the concepts of Christmas, but he sees our decorations and we take him to look at Christmas lights around the neighborhood.  Christmas music has been on almost constantly since before Thanksgiving and I sing carols to him all the time.  He got to be Jesus for our churches live nativity.  He won't remember it, but I will, as will all of the people who will lovingly/teasingly call him "Baby Jesus" for years and years to come.  I also can't wait for him to open his presents.  He may be more interested in the paper and boxes they come in, but it will be exciting for us and grow the anticipation of how he will react to this holiday as he gets older.  Oh, the fun we will have!

This month certainly hasn't been without its challenges.  I feel so overwhelmed, scatterbrained, losing track of things and time, unable to keep all of the balls I'm juggling up in the air.  I've had moments of complete lack of grace or any ability to Just Deal, which doesn't make me feel very good about myself.  The house has been a disaster (thank you, Clif, for being my hero and staying up until the wee morning hours to clean so I could feel better, I love you!), I haven't been able to get nearly as far as I need to with knitting orders, and Flynn has been having to deal with cutting 4 teeth simultaneously.  We think this last challenge is what kicked up his very first fever earlier this week.  Clif was amazing in handling him, getting some medications on board to reduce his fever, laying with him in bed with a cold compress, quietly snuggling or playing with some soft stuffed toys.  Clif handled the situation so much better than I think I would have, certainly with more confidence, and even though he told me later he was scared and cried having to see Flynn so lethargic and unwell, I am thankful that he was there to take authoritative action to make our little man feel better.  I was not nearly as confident as he at least appeared to be, knowing he was home and taking care of business gave me great piece of mind.  Flynn's fever broke within 2 days, but he's still struggling with some serious nasal congestion that is making meal time less than pleasant.  Still, he is much improved and has his energy and personality back, just in time for the weekend.  We can survive the sudden torrential downpours of drool so much better when he is feeling good and smiling.

In other news, my worry about Flynn being slower to hit mobility milestones has turned out to be pretty much unnecessary.  While still practicing what I call a 'zombie crawl' (lots of upper body pulling and lower body dragging, creepy...), it is a super effective and FAST zombie crawl.  Flynn can get every where: sitting up from lying down, lying down from sitting up, front to back, back to front, spin 360 degrees, and travel in all directions.  He

Clif has been loving, and excelling, as a new consultant for Tastefully Simple.  He is doing a really great job and enjoys the "work", especially as it can be a nice little break from the more demanding needs of CWS.  I decided to transition from Touchstone Crystal to a new company called Radiantly You.  I feel passionate about the natural, organic, environmentally-aware product and the mission-mindedness of the company.  I'm hopeful that I can push myself to grow in new ways through this experience and share the goodness with people.  Natal Knits has done so much better than I ever thought this season, which has given me inspiration and motivation to expand the projects I work on and offer in the Etsy shop.  Things will surely slow down after Christmas, even though there is plenty of scarf season left, but during the spring and summer I hope to work on more complex and varied projects in preparation for next year.

Whew!  The holidays are here and they mean business.  Even when things seem to be spiraling out of control I will strive to remember how fortunate we are, and when things are great I will relish the beauty, joy, and love that surrounds us.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Family Growth

The Castlemans are all growing, and that is a good thing.

Clif held his first baby ever the month before Flynn was born.  Not having hardly any experience at all with little ones, except for our nieces and nephews, he's had one of the steepest learning curves.  People offer up suggestions, advice and statements of things to expect with growing kids, but it's hard to wrap your head around some concepts until you experience them.  He is an incredible dad and learning new things every day, which I know is exciting for all of us.

In the meantime I am still working hard on my area of growth: learning to breathe.  I am a worrier by nature and, if you ask my father, by blood.  Seriously, he can trace a full line of worriers in our family tree.  I firmly believe I needed to experience all of the hiccups before getting pregnant with Flynn, as well as the challenges we faced during those 9 months (up to and including weeks of bed rest, threats of early delivery, emergency c-section and unexpected trip to the ICU) in order to start learning to let go of control and just go with the flow.  I think I also needed the challenges we faced with our first pediatrician who fed my first-time mother doubts and fears until we finally wised up and took a stand against practices we didn't fully understand.  All of those events have been teaching me how to learn to relax, trust myself, worry less, sit back and let things happen naturally.  It has not been without effort, but I've made remarkable progress.  So much so that I almost feel like I can't express my musings without them being interpreted as fretful by people who know me.  Things that used to concern me greatly I can now contemplate without letting them carry me away to Stress City, but it can still take some thought and effort.

Flynn is going so fast I am both afraid to blink and hardly notice until I flip through pictures of him and compare his progress.  Every day is a joy with him and I love watching him learn.  I've discovered a pattern in his growth and mine: just as my musings about when he might hit his next developmental milestone start to edge towards anxious anticipation on whether it will be within the "normal guidelines" (which I don't truly care about, I promise, I know he will get there at his own pace), he hits it.  I've been flirting with a little bit worried about him crawling for several weeks now.  A lot of people say that they, their kid, or someone they knew skipped crawling and went right to walking.  There are newer studies out, however, that say some kids who are having difficulty reading when they are older are encouraged to practice crawling, as it connects specific synapses in the brain.  Similar to these studies, I think, are ones saying that all of the baby positioners out on the market now are encouraging parents to force developmental steps on their children before they are ready for it.

I think these are classic examples of how there is such a thing as TOO MUCH INFORMATION available these days.  I've decided that I will sample some of column A and B, or else lose my mind.  Flynn loves standing, but we don't encourage him to do it as often as I'm sure he would enjoy.  I help him practice pulling up and give him time in his Johnny Jumper here and there, but I try to make sure there is much MORE time spent on the floor where he will be encouraged to work on crawling.  Even still, his interest in getting from one spot to another had seemed lukewarm, at best, and I worried if there was something I could do to help spark that interest in him.  As with pretty much every other milestone he's reached, I didn't need to spend any additional brain power on the situation.  Practically overnight he started scooting forward, which transitioned within a day to military crawling, and now he is coordinating holding himself up on his arms and getting his knees under him at the same time.  He's starting to get the 4-point rocking action going on, and though already completely mobile in all directions, I figure it might even only be a matter of hours until he is full-on crawling.  He, apparently, has learned how to control himself from sitting to laying on his tummy, though hasn't quite figured out the reverse, but he's getting there.  Pulling up with my help is a cinch, using the furniture is not yet on the radar, but that, too, is only a matter of time.

I still have some moments of worry start to creep up at what I envision to be the outer limits of an acceptable time frame for Flynn to accomplish something, then quickly remind myself that there isn't some magic day in which if he doesn't complete a feat, he'll never be able to do it.  He's doing things on his own time and that is more than perfectly acceptable.  He is doing them, and that is the important part. 

This?  This is growth.   Lots and lots of growth.

Adventures in Diapering

*sigh*

I've known for quite some time that cloth diapering would be something I really wanted to do.  I wasn't sure I felt comfortable jumping into that pool with both feet, right out of the gate, with our first baby, but to me it was an eventuality, rather than just a possibility.

Clif has not ever been completely on board with this idea.  In fact, I have barely managed to get him to even consider it, much less fully get behind the plan.  In order to make it more palatable, and therefore more likely to be done, for him I've decided to practice cloth diapering myself, first.  That way I can work out a procedure that is easy and similar to handling disposable diapers, knowing full well any chance of our joint success in this venture would be in having all the wrinkles completely ironed out before introducing it to him.

Yeah.  Still a lot of wrinkles.

We are several months later than I had thought we might be in transitioning to cloth diapering and I am afraid I'm finding that there might be a significant reason for that: I'm doing something wrong.


I've only had Flynn in a cloth diaper 3 times, 2 of which resulted in massive leakage, each of those being from completely different brands/styles of diapers.  G diapers are a little bit trickier in the sense that they have 3 pieces to them, instead of two, and take just a hair more finesse to get them assembled and secured properly.  I have no doubt with more practice they will become significantly easier to use, I just haven't put in the practice yet.  To try something I thought might be a little bit easier and user friendly I bought two Little Monsters, with the full front of snaps to adjust the size.  It's a pocket diaper, the insert is easier to handle and get situated and they are SO cute and soft!

I used the snap-adjustable diaper last night and fastened it on at its smallest option without having to use the overlap snaps.  I could tell it was a little bit lose around the waist, but I was worried the size difference to the next option would make them so tight I'd cut off circulation to Flynn's legs.  I guess either need to go ahead and snap them tighter or figure he's in between sizes and wait until he's a little bit bigger.  I'm not exactly sure what the issue is with the G diapers but imagine it must be a similar sizing situation.

I still really, really want to make this change.  It is better for the environment, it will save us a lot of money and I think it will be more comfortable for Flynn.  We were even given some wet bags and a hamper to make the transition that much easier for us by a friend who had out-grown her need for them.  So far the only down fall is this leaking issue.  Well, that and even though cloth diapering is easy, there will be a smidgen more effort to put into it.  That is hardly a counter-point, however, as I am a firm believer that if I can get a process in place we will hardly know the difference except in our bank account, but the leaking thing defeats the purpose.

Cloth diapering is important enough to me that I will be persistent in figuring it out so I can hand the process over to Clif in a nice, neat, everything-figured-out package.  I really want him to get on board, but it's frustrating, and if I'm frustrated with it there is no way on God's green earth he will even make an attempt.  Much like nursing, I've discovered it doesn't seem to be quite as easy as I thought (and hoped) it would be...

Makes me wish there was such a thing as a Diaper Fairy who could visit and show me what I'm doing wrong and help me fix it so we can make this work. 

Breaking Gums

How has it been a month since I last wrote, already?!  Time goes way too fast.

Flynn's first word was 'Mama'.  Believe it or not I haven't been communicating to him with a dialogue exclusively containing that word, I just happen to make a lot of 'm' sounds by default, it's my comfortable go to when I'm interacting with him and so it seems perfectly logical that something beginning with 'ma' would be his first word.  In the past week or so we've added 'baba' to the mix and we are diligently working on 'dada', though that one isn't making an appearance yet.

Rolling over has gotten easier for him, even if he still isn't doing a ton of it.  We try to entice him to roll and make an effort to scoot by waving toys just out of his reach and sqwaking nonsensical words at a pitch I'm sure produces headaches for the dogs but Flynn would rather chill where he lies and entertain himself with his feet, forget you guys and your toys.  He'll get there, I'm not worried, he just makes sure we know it's going to be at HIS pace, no matter how ridiculous our display of encouragement is.  Nice try, silly parents.

Sitting up is improving, too, but he's in defective Weeble-Wobble mode (he weebles and he wobbles and then he totally falls down). Still it is so much fun to watch his marked improvement every day.

Yesterday Clif was worried because Flynn woke up early, fussing, and wasn't inclined to go about his day without an attitude.  Even more troubling was the fact that he wasn't all that interested in eating.  We were keeping an eye on him, Clif physically and me by watching my phone like a hawk for text updates, to see if there would be any other signs of something possibly wrong.  By lunch his appetite had picked back up, he had a few explosive diapers and seemed to be more like himself.  If it hadn't been for the conversation we'd had with our neighbor on Sunday, when she told us that blow out diapers were the herald for erupting teeth, I don't think we would have even thought to take a look in his mouth.  Sure enough the smallest bit of tooth has broken ground, and it's SHARP!  I've been saying for months, it seems like, that with as much saliva he's been producing he'd better be getting teeth in or we'll have to move into a house boat.  It's kind of surreal to see that milestone come to fruition, even though I know it's been weeks in the making.

I still spend every day in flux between wanting to be doing more of everything but not ready to give up even a moment of time with Flynn and Clif.  In fact, I'm not sure I could say it any better than Kristen, of Rage Against the Minivan did, so I'll just say "Ditto".

Amazing Grace

Flynn, I want to tell you about an amazing woman.

Tomorrow we will say goodbye to Charlotte Leavell Davis, and celebrate her eternal homecoming.  She was your Oma's mother, my grandmother, your great grandmother (GG) and the only great grandparent who got the chance to meet you.  She was also the grandparent I knew the longest and so knew the best.

You were too young to be able to remember her, but here are some pieces of her (and some of Grandpa Davis) I will love to share with you throughout the years:

- She and G'pa were travelers.  They had several motor homes over the years and I would play in them like they were a play house.  One day I look forward to traveling with your father and I will have been inspired by their traveling, adventurous spirit.

- They collected glass.  No, really, I mean COLLECTED.  I loved it when they would return from one of their spontaneous trips and call, saying they had boxes of glass that needed to be unpacked.  We would go to their house and I got to sit on the floor and unpack each and every piece, until my hands were black from the newsprint wrapping, while they told us the story of their adventure.  As much as they collected, however, they also gave away, especially in more recent years.  At almost every opportunity GG would insist that friends, family, visitors pick a piece of glass from the collection to take with them.  I know, just as they are for me, those pieces will hold memories of her for each of them, possibly even for generations to come.

- She once rescued and raised a baby squirrel that they found in their yard.  She named her Mary and every day GG went outside with some nuts and called for her.  That squirrel would come running, climb up GG's leg, around her back and perch on her shoulder to eat her treats.  We even once took Mary and Susie, the cat, in separate pet carriers on a weekend trip to Luray.  From then on squirrels became GG's favorite animal and I think of her every time I see one (in other words, all the time).

- Every time she hugged you she quick-patted your back then she would squeeze with a "MmmMM!".  They were called love taps, it was her signature move and they will be passed on to you.

- I loved her white bean soup that she served with a piece of buttered bread.  To this day that simple meal is the epitome of home and comfort to me.

- She wasn't a fan of my long, unruly hair that I would keep in a horrible pony tail that drooped down to the middle of my back and wanted so badly for me to cut it but I refused.  One night she offered to give me a little trim and I agreed, but only a trim.  She cut it all the way up to my jaw.

- Hot hands run in the family.  She would touch your hand, exclaim if they were cold and hold them between hers, telling you she would warm them up for you.  Her hands started to get cold in her older age so one year for Christmas I made her hand/wrist gauntlets in pink (her favorite color) and gray with my very limited knitting skills.  She kept them by her chair and I loved seeing her wear them.

- She crocheted hand towels by the hundreds and gave them to everyone she knew every chance she got, almost like a calling card.  She always asked what color people's kitchens were to make sure she made a towel to match.

- She loved jokes and had a great sense of humor.  For example, did you hear the one about the girl who ran into the screen door?  She strained herself! 

- Once I brought the boy I was dating to a family pool picnic at GG and G'pa's house.  He saw a mosquito land on my arm and smacked me to kill it.  GG only saw that he smacked me and was about to come around the table faster than he could blink in my defense to do some smacking of her own.  I think he saw the look on her face and was fearful for his safety but she was looking out for me.

- My favorite GG story is is a true doozy.  Many years ago, when Uncle Edmond was young, she took him on a shopping trip.  She sat in the parking lot, patiently waiting with her turn signal on for a car to leave the parking space she intended to take.  Someone else, however, thought otherwise and whipped into the spot instead.  GG was so angry she asked Ed for a piece of gum, chewed it then crammed it into the offending driver's lock with her thumb!  In other words, don't mess with the Davis women.

By the time your father and I got around to trying to start growing our family GG's mind just wasn't what it used to be.  Signs of dementia were showing more and more and sometimes our weekly phone conversations could be challenging.  She knew she wasn't remembering or understanding things like she used to and it distressed her.  Feeling sensitive to that at first I wasn't sure I wanted to tell her about our pending pregnancy until we were past the first trimester, I didn't want to upset or confuse her if something happened.  Not long after we found out we were pregnant the first time Grandma went to the hospital for health complications.  Suddenly I realized if, heaven forbid, something were to happen to her while she was there I didn't want her to have not known we were expecting her 6th great grand child, so we made sure she knew we were expecting.  Unfortunately we lost the first baby, and the second, but GG turned out to be one of my greatest, most uplifting supporters as we worked through those difficult times.  She told me everything happens for a reason and the losses meant that something had been wrong and the right time would come for us.  She was so right as we were blessed with you.

Finally you arrived and I was thrilled to be able to introduce you to GG.  She had moved into a small group assisted living home as her dementia and health continued to deteriorate.  Sometimes she recognized who was visiting her by face, sometimes by name, sometimes only one visitor but not another and sometimes she would talk about her visitors in the 3rd person.  I quickly had to adjust to just going with the flow when I would sit next to her and listen to her talk about "Amy" as if I were an entirely different person.

With that in mind I imagine it's not hard to understand how surprised I was by her response when we first took you to meet her. Mom greeted GG first and told her Clif and I were there with you.  She wasn't sure about your dad and me, but she immediately recognized your name and started looking around to see you.  Having never met you I was touched and thrilled she made that connection.  At first she was content to smile at you and pat your leg, then I asked her if she wanted to hold you.  She didn't think she could be trusted, saying it had been so long since she'd held a baby she didn't think she could do it right, but I was right there next to her so I just went ahead and stuck you in her arms.

Flynn, she was so happy to hold you she cried.  I have a picture of those very first moments, the tears in her eyes, how quiet, peaceful and content you were, such a perfect angel to her.  Every time I see it or think of that moment I will feel her and be thankful. She held you for quite some time, gently patting your leg nonstop and alternating between telling you how sweet you were and wondering if she felt sure she was capable of holding you.  She patted and patted and you brushed her chin between bouts of snoozing. 

During the last week she was with us, when she wasn't really responsive to us she responded to you.  One time Oma took you to see her and let you sit next to her on the bed so she could pat your shoulders.  A couple of days later we visited again and I held you up in front of her so she could see you and we listened as she called you 'pretty baby' and 'sweet baby' over and over.  You cooed, smiled, patted her leg and held her hand and though I know you weren't aware of the good you were doing I'm so thankful for the wonderful experience it was for you both.

It wasn't just GG that you brought joy to, you were a dose of  baby therapy to all of the other residents.  One day your dad and I were leaving the house and as Oma was saying goodbye to the caregivers I glanced across the room at a resident sitting next to the window who was pointing repeatedly to another resident sitting on the opposite side of the room.  I looked and saw she was quietly crying and immediately walked over to her with you in tow.  She looked up from her lap, saw you and her face lit up, a huge smile spread across her face.  I stood in front of her with your car seat propped against my thigh so she could tickle your feet, stroke your hands and tell you how wonderful you were.  After we spent several minutes with her we visited the other residents to let them all have a quick turn.  The next time we visited you were sitting in GG's room and you started to squeak loudly.  That same resident came down the hall to investigate what was making all that noise and stopped mid-sentence when she saw you.  She didn't come into GG's room but stood right at the doorjamb, leaning in through the door to coo at you, so we went over to her to give her a better look and let her play with you.  For a few minutes I didn't think Oma and I would be able to leave that night, we were trapped by your arresting cuteness and her reluctance to let us take you away.

We didn't take you back to visit GG as often as we should have and that is my fault.  I'm thankful for the time we did get to spend with her and I know we brought her love and joy.  Seeing the joy you also brought the other residents has made me realize that just because GG is no longer with us doesn't mean we can't still share that joy with the ones that remain.  As often as we are able I'll take you to see them so they can gently pat you and call you 'sweet baby', just like your great grandmother did.

In recent years GG would often marvel at her wonderful family and we would tell her it was her fault, she and Grandpa started it.  The obvious reality is that our family, who we are today, is because of so many people who came before us and serendipitous events that expanded our family by marriages but it's also a reality that she was a huge part of molding who Oma was and, in turn, who your aunt, uncle and myself are.  I like to hope that I am a distant reflection of the incredible woman she was and her influence is one of the greatest gifts I'll ever be able to give.  It's a gift I am eager to pass on to you.

Making The Right Choice

In which we ask for some advice on choosing our next step.

The back story:

Flynn was born at 39 weeks to the day, weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz.  In the hospital he dropped to 5 lbs 6 oz and he was a little bit slow to get back up to his birth weight but he gained it by the goal of 2 weeks after birth.

In the beginning our pediatrician visits were pretty standard, but after a few one of the doctors, Dr. F, the founder of the practice, started expressing concerns that his weight was reading off the bottom of the growth chart and, at one point, the trajectory line of his growth started to drop.  She expressed great concern at this, despite us telling her that Flynn ate until and refused more when he was full, was happy and content when he was awake, sleeping great, producing wet and dirty diapers and so forth.  She didn't seem to be concerned about any of that, instead focusing on the black and white graph. No one else we had talked to or who had seen Flynn seemed to understand this concern any more than we did. 

We had one more appointment with Dr. F where she first introduced "failure to thrive" in her vocabulary to us and stated she felt Flynn needed to have several tests done to determine why he was gaining weight so slowly.  Clif, I know attempting to take a stand against what we felt was unnecessary additional procedures, decided to tell Dr. F that we had spoken with other pediatricians who weren't concerned about Flynn's weight.  The moment the words came out of his mouth I felt a wave of dread as I watched Dr. F's expression flicker.  Clif then added that one of said pediatricians was the one we'd seen at the previous weight re-check appointment.  Cat was out of the bag and I can't imagine Dr. F appreciated being questioned or, possibly, feeling undermined by one of her staff.

We decided that we just couldn't understand Dr. F and were frustrated that she was unable to adequately explain her concerns in a way that made any sense to us, despite us asking questions.  Her approach seemed more of a "see this plot on a graph?  It's bad, regardless of any other factor in play" and Clif and I wanted a pediatrician who listened to us as well as gave us explanations we could understand.  We decided we'd go back to Dr. M, the doctor we'd seen the previous time who hadn't been so concerned about Flynn's weight.

At our next appointment we requested Dr. M (at this practice you can't schedule an appointment for a specific doctor, you can only request when you get there - Clif and I have suspicions about this).  Suddenly she was concerned about Flynn's weight and instructed Clif to have me pump exclusively so we could count how many ounces I was pumping to get a better idea of what Flynn was eating, despite the fact that pumping is not as efficient as nursing.  I agreed to do the exercise even though I thought it was unnecessary and I already knew the information we would gain from it.  Dr. M also wanted some lab work done (blood and urine) and we agreed, if for no other reason than we wanted to get the monkey off our back and I'd rather KNOW he is ok than assume so and miss an underlying issue.

I couldn't help but wonder if Dr. F had somehow gotten to Dr. M, maybe realizing we were suddenly requesting to see her specifically after our last appointment with Dr. F.  I sincerely hoped I was wrong about that but decided to write a letter for Clif to take in with him at the next recheck appointment (at this point we'd been in the office every 2 weeks practically since he was born) to try to figure out where all this concern was suddenly coming from.  After Dr. M read the letter she (according to Clif) said I was right with my points, she was no longer concerned about Flynn's weight, concluded he was as healthy as a "very small" ox and we wouldn't need to come back until his regular 6 month appointment.

Fast forward to yesterday:

Clif finds an afternoon appointment and is seen by a new-to-the-practice-as-of-this-week doctor.  Initially, he said, she seemed to have a bit of an attitude about Flynn's small size.  Throughout the appointment she seemed to back off from her initial reaction and said Flynn was fine, especially with a history of small children in the family, and the fact that Flynn's weight gain at yesterday's appointment put him at a hair below the 3rd percentile on the chart was a vast improvement over being off the bottom of the chart as he has been every other visit.  She did detect a slight heart murmur but they ran blood work on the spot to see if she should recommend a cardiologist, luckily it came back completely normal and she said murmurs in babies are not uncommon (also a history of those in the family).  At the end of the appointment Flynn was given a perfectly clean bill of health (minus his weight on the growth chart, as he has been given EVERY other appointment he has had) and we were told our next appointment wouldn't be until 9 months.

20 minutes later Clif received a call from the same doctor who was suddenly concerned about all of these other possible factors that could be going on to impact Flynn's weight, factors she had NOT mentioned during Flynn's appointment, and she would be mailing an order to us for a panel of tests they wanted done, tests that Clif and I have no intention of having done.  I am now even more concerned Dr. F has imposed herself with this doctor, too.

Here is some brief research I've done:
Failure to thrive per kisdhealth.org (http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/endocrine/failure_thrive.html) -
"In the first few years of life most kids gain weight and grow much more quickly than they will later on. Sometimes, however, kids don't meet expected standards of growth. Most still follow growth patterns that are variations of normal, but others are considered to have "failure to thrive."

This is a general diagnosis, with many possible causes. Common to all cases, though, is the failure to gain weight as expected, often accompanied by poor height growth.
 
Although it's been recognized for more than a century, failure to thrive lacks a precise definition, in part because it describes a condition rather than a specific disease. Kids who fail to thrive don't receive or are unable to take in, retain, or utilize the calories needed to gain weight and grow as expected.

Most diagnoses of failure to thrive are made in infants and toddlers in the first few years of life — a crucial period of physical and mental development. After birth, a child's brain grows as much in the first year as it will grow during the rest of life. Poor nutrition during this period can have permanent negative effects on mental development.
Most babies double their birth weight by 4 months and triple it by age 1, but kids with failure to thrive often don't meet those milestones. Sometimes, a child who starts out "plump" and who shows signs of growing well can begin to fall off in weight gain. After a while, linear (height) growth may slow as well.
If the condition progresses, undernourished kids may:

• become disinterested in their surroundings
• avoid eye contact
• become irritable
• not reach developmental milestones like sitting up, walking, and talking at the usual age"

Here is a list of projected milestones expected for children between 4 and 7 months of age per babycenter.com (http://www.babycenter.com/0_milestones-1-to-6-months_1496585.bc#articlesection3):
"Your baby is fully engaged with the world now: She smiles, laughs, and has babbling "conversations" with you. And she's on the move – by 7 months she can probably roll to her tummy and back again, sit without your help, and support her weight with her legs well enough to bounce when you hold her. She uses a raking grasp to pull objects closer and can hold toys and move them from one hand to another.

Your baby is more sensitive to your tone of voice and may heed your warning when you tell her "no." She also knows her name now and turns to look at you when you call her.
Peekaboo is a favorite game and she enjoys finding partially hidden objects. She views the world in full color now and can see farther. If you move a toy in front of her, she'll follow it closely with her eyes. Watching herself in a mirror is sure to delight her.

Red flags
Each child develops at her own pace, but talk to your child's doctor if your baby:

• Seems very stiff or floppy
• Can't hold her head steady
• Can't sit on her own
• Doesn't respond to noises or smiles
• Isn't affectionate with those closest to her
• Doesn't reach for objects"

 Here are some facts about Flynn:

- His head circumference is in the 5th percentile, his height is in the 10th percentile and now his weight is right below the 3rd, all of which seems to be fairly proportioned
-He has gained weight and continues to do so, though slowly, is back ON the growth chart and doubled his weight by 6 months, which is the projected goal for weight gain
-He eats until he is full and will refuse more by crying or pushing a bottle or spoon away.  In some cases we have offered food until he spits up, uncommon for him, which makes me feel terrible for letting the doctor's concerns override his needs
-He goes to bed between 7:30 and 9 pm, sleeps until 5:30 or 6 am, wakes up long enough to nurse then goes back to sleep for another couple of hours.  That's 10-12 hours of sleep every night with a pause for a snack in early morning
-When he is awake he smiles, laughs, engages, reaches for toys, coos, chatters, watches his surroundings, etc.
-He shows signs of learning and reasoning: turning on and off the night light in his co-sleeper and interactive play such as understanding when he holds my hand with both of his I shake it like a motor and when he lets go I stop until he holds on again
-Starting to play peekabo and gets excited when I hold his hands with my thumbs and asks if he's ready, he knows it means we are going to practice his sit ups and he pulls himself up
-Not quite rolling front to back or back to front on his own yet but he's about 95% of the way there, just needs a little bit of help starting (front to back) and finishing (back to front)
-Scooting himself in circles on his back or front and starting to put his knees under him to lift his butt in the air on occasion
-Isn't sitting up independently but is doing well when assisted (Bumbo seat, play saucer, etc)
-Happily and eagerly eating cereal from a spoon
-Pats and holds my hand, snuggles in for hugs and kisses, interacts with affection and joy
-He has very small cousins who are not standard in their size but are perfectly healthy and normal children (one is 4 and, though stretched, can wear an 18 month bathing suit)


Here is where we are looking for advice:

Clif and I do not agree with the level of concern exhibited by our pediatricians and I am worried Dr. F, the practice founder, is infiltrating our appointments via other doctors, though that is admittedly an unproven concern.  However, we like the rest of the staff and the proximity of the office to our house can't be beat.  The next closest pediatrician is literally across the parking lot but an online search did not turn up very much by way of reviews of their practice so we would be exploring a big unknown if we go there.  At this point I am unsure which action to take next (past trusting my gut in regards to how Flynn is doing) and wonder what your suggestions might be.

1) Ignore the request for additional testing and schedule 9 month appointment as usual.  Since he is so close to the 3rd percentile on the growth chart and we are discontinuing nursing (a very likely factor in his initial slow weight gain) in favor of bottles and solids my assumption is at 9 months he will have a much more solid showing on the chart and there won't be any reason for any more weight-related concern and we can just continue on having gotten past that hurdle. 

2) Call or write another letter to the doctor that Clif saw yesterday with the same points listed above that I already presented to Dr. M and that should be IN Flynn's file to rehash what we already discussed last time, namely why NONE of the other factors going on with Flynn are being taken into consideration and, if there is a legitimate reason to focus EXCLUSIVELY on the black and white of the chart why that reason isn't being adequately explained to us.

3) Go straight to the source and send a letter to Dr. F explaining our concern and that if we are unable to come to an understanding and open line of communication where we aren't left confused and questioning what is being told to us we may need to seek a new practice and see what the response is.

4) Get a second opinion from the other practice in the lot and/or another practice all together before making a decision regarding continuing with our current one.

5) Abandon ship (get files from current practice without making any further effort to seek resolution and understanding) and find another pediatrician.  At this point we have spent a lot of time and money with our current practice, they know my history and Flynn's, I would hate to just give up without making an effort to make the relationship work.

Hard To Give It Up

Today is Friday, August 1st, Flynn is 6 months old and I'm usuing my last milk storage bag.  For someone with sporadic, selective OCD these are several very rounded out circumstances that will herald the end of my time with nursing.

If you've read almost any other post I've written in the past 6 months you know how much of a struggle nursing has been for us.  We have dealt with everything from latching woes developing into latching preferences escalating to latching insistence, lip and tongue ties that may or may not have truly impacted latching but probably needed to be corrected anyway, not getting meal timing right, fighting with additional and unwelcome but necessary equipment, forever fighting to try to maintain as much of my limited and declining milk supply, needing to supplement with formula to make up for my limited production, strong disinterest in using (re: violent ripping off of) the cover when nursing in public, etc.  My goal for several weeks has been to try to nurse/pump until Flynn was 6 months old then see how long I could continue after that.  Sadly my production has dropped enough that I'm surprised I made it this long and given the above mentioned events coinciding on one day I feel I have received a sign telling me that today will be the last day I need to bring my electric pump to work.  When it goes home with me for it's weekly deep cleaning it will be packed away until we (hopefully) need it again in the future.

This is very sad for me, I have found that I really love nursing Flynn. Our moments together bring me comfort, contentment and peace that just aren't as intense when I feed him with a bottle. We will still have those bonding moments, but they will be different.  Even just the thought of it for the past couple of weeks has pushed me over the edge into tears.  Mentally, emotionally I am not ready for this part of our mother/child relationship to be over but (as I've gone from pumping 6-7 oz to 1-2 oz, hardly enough to mix up a batch of cereal, much less come close to supplementing the 8 oz he drinks in a single sitting) my body is calling the shots and I can't change it.

Because I'm stubborn like that I will continue to offer a snack first thing in the morning, when I get home from work and/or right before bed time, knowing the evening option will need to always be supplemented with a bottle.  Luckily the morning snack before I go to work is enough to satisfy him until he wakes up for the day, though who knows how much longer even that will last.

I can't help the list of What Ifs that come to mind; what if I hadn't manhandled myself into a completely ridiculous allergic reaction that landed me in ICU?  What if I'd had thought to ask for a pump so much sooner than I did?  What if I'd managed to get to a La Leche league meeting for some pointers?  What if I hadn't had to go back to work so I could have nursed instead of pumped?  What if I'd done better sooner about drinking more fluid?  What if I'd started supplementing home therapies for boosting my supply right in the beginning?  What if I'd tried more of them?

But none of those things can be changed now and even if they could there's nothing to say they would have made a difference.  Maybe my supply is what it is and we'd be in this exact place even without all of those other influences.  Maybe our next child will be a hellion (Flynn is darn near perfect except for this issue) but nursing will be a breeze or maybe I won't be able to nurse at all.  We hope time will tell if we are lucky enough to have another baby.

As for right now I am going to try to soak up every second of the time I have left to nurse Flynn; the way he absently pats my shoulder, reaches for and holds onto my finger, gently kicks and drags his feet down my other shoulder and arm, how sudden noises like clearing my throat, sneezing, hiccuping, coughing, talking and/or anyone located within a 5 block radius doing any of those things would startle him to stop eating, stare at me with wide-eyed surprise, eyebrows lifted nearly to his peach fuzz line (there isn't enough yet to call it hair), then break into a grin so big it takes up half of his face.  Part of me would be exasperated at his nosy-ness and if we were in a hurry I'd wish he would just focus and get on with the eating (especially when his violent head-whipping to look around at whatever the noise was that disturbed him resulted in ripping off the nipple shield half-filled with milk, spilling it everywhere and NOT into his mouth which would trigger my production-sensitive mind to lament the loss of any of that more-precious-than-gold liquid).  How usually, but almost always in the morning, he would get so excited with the routine that meant food was coming he would fling out both arms, hands splayed open, eyes wide and practically hissing in eager anticipation of being fed then a hearty full-body sigh as if to say 'finally, woman!  I've been waiting forever!' even if had only been a few seconds.  The feel of stroking is silky soft head, cheek, hands and back while he lay still and peaceful in my lap, his eyes half-lidded in contentment.

I am thankful I've been able to nurse him as much as I've managed and I wouldn't trade it for anything, even with all of the challenges involved.  We may end up saving some time by not fighting the breast-feeding equipment battle and going straight for the bottle and solids, but I'm sad.

In an effort to counter my feelings of loss I'm trying to focus on how that little bit of time saved can be transferred to more time to play and practice skills like rolling over, sitting up and getting ready to try different directions of movement.  There are plenty of things to be happy about (how absolutely wonderful and happy go-lucky Flynn is, and how proud I am of how much he has developed and grown already) and I am glad for them.  I'll be eager to experience what he has in store for us next and will fondly remember the special bonding we got to share, even if sometimes wishing we could have had more might also make me cry a little.

A Perfect Storm

Clifton Castleman and I said our good-nights last night with tender words of love, thanks, support and appreciation for each other, a beautiful and moving start to sleep...

Which was then marred by a suddenly fractious ceiling fan at 3 in the morning that annoyed Clif to get out of bed (no airflow and room temp even a degree above that of a meat locker keeps him from sleeping, and it was making a horrible noise), which caused Flynn to stir, which woke me up. Figured I might as well go to the bathroom, came back to Clif standing on my side of the bed with a red headlamp on trying to fix said ceiling fan and Flynn watching wide-eyed. Got back in bed where I was hit by the wall of stench that is our desperately-needing-bath dog who wanted to get right under my nose seeking comfort from the unusual chaos while well-meaning Clif tried to get Flynn back to sleep with his musical seahorse which, unfortunately, only stimulated him even more.  I took over with my mid-night resettle Flynn technique that involves multiple pacifier re insertions and letting him use my hand as a lovey from a contorted position which is not great for my already painful neck, shoulders and back (I'm not sure Clif even knows I have this practiced experience).

Clif, irritated and tired, kept offering to change and feed Flynn which, even if it might have helped with the immediate need, the resulting tidal waves of schedule wonkiness it could create terrified me and I kept insisting I got it. I'm sure Flynn's chatty babbling to my hand and his pacifier did little to convince Clif of my handle on the situation. At that point even I wondered if I'd be able to recover baby sleep mode after that much activity and stimulation.

An hour later I realized I'd been drifting off. The now sporadic metal grind of death wasn't making me fear imminent ceiling fan crash onto my head and Flynn had gone back to sleep. Success! I reclaimed my numb and tingling arm, rolled over with an achy sigh to go to sleep...

And almost immediately the smoke detector low battery alarm decided to join the party and I say alarm because the piercing beep alone wouldn't do, ours also announces itself in a very clear, very loud female voice.  Yup, not creepy or startling AT ALL.

This morning woke up 20 minutes late after forgetting to reset the clock when we lost power yesterday from the unexpected storm, power that went out pretty much the moment I stepped in the shower with Flynn after I got distracted from the rolling storm clouds and accidentally let him pee all over himself.  Because I was late with breakfast there wasn't time to put Flynn back down in the co-sleeper and get a cat nap like I usually do, so he went back in the bassinet, which is where Clif would prefer him to be anyway.  Putting him in the basinet or pack and play almost always is a sure way to wake him up and this morning was no different.  I had doubts about him falling back asleep while I ran around and got ready for work.  He had just drifted off by the time I was ready to leave, and since I am incapable of heading out for the day without kissing both of my dudes, I had to practically crawl into the bassinet to give Flynn his goodbye kiss, an act that, naturally, woke him right up again.  I didn't have time to settle him back down so I left, praying he would put himself back to sleep so Clif wouldn't have to start his day tired, frustrated and earlier than usual.

Any bets on who is going to survive today?

Captain's Log: Day 147

I really need to get better about more regular posting, if for no other reason than to help keep track of and sort all the chaos in my head.

Flynn will be 5 months old next week.

Five.  Months.

Didn't we just bring him home yesterday?

The 1st of May I went back to work and the night before I cried and cried.  More like sobbed until I felt ill and then I barely slept.  The next day I was much improved though still a little shaky around the edges, only shedding a few tears here and there.  I already felt settled back into routine, for the most part, by the day after though a lingering hint of upset stomach has plagued me every single day since.  Nothing can fix the fact that every fiber of my being screams over all of the time I'm missing with our son.

Now, that isn't to say Clif isn't doing a great job at being Mr. Mom, because he is, he is wonderful with Flynn, but getting to be a stay at home mom has been my dream for as long as I can remember.  More than reaching some corporate goal, more than the type of house I'd one day own or ideas of the man I'd one day marry... staying home to raise our children has always been a constant wish for me.  I've had to shelve that dream, however, in support of Clif building and owning his own company.  It was, for all intents, an easy call to make: I love my husband and I will support him no matter what in any and every way I can, but I would be lying if I said it was without any remorse or wishing we could do things a little differently.  As it stands it's my job (that I am beyond blessed to have and love) that brings a consistent paycheck that pays for our home and provides us with health insurance.  I was very fortunate to have 3 months of paid maternity leave, that's a lot more than many people get, but having to return to work was much harder for me than I thought it would be.  Again, I'm blessed to have and love this job, I just wish I could have and love it again when Flynn is ready to go to school...

My brain has been a tumultuous, chaotic cluster of emotion and confliction since coming home from the hospital as a family of three (6 if you count the furkids).  I wake up in the morning when I hear Flynn starting to stir, change his diaper and nurse him in bed in the quiet gray post-dawn light, possibly my favorite part of the day.  Then we settle back into bed so he can sleep for another couple of hours and I can catch a few more snoozing minutes before heading to work.  When I get home in the afternoon I try to get a couple of things done as quickly as possible (put away the pumped milk, go to the bathroom, put on comfy clothes and loose the bra) while I still have two hands, hug and kiss Clif then snatch up that beautiful baby boy just as soon as I can where I will proceed to hold, kiss, cuddle, play with and feed him until he goes to bed a paltry 2 to maybe 4 hours later.  It's just not enough. 

It isn't easy, either, and while I never had any delusions having children would be easy I underestimated how difficult it would be to multitask or complete even the simplest of functions.  A lot of that has to do with my desire to spend every uncluttered, uninterrupted second I can with Flynn.  I hate to feel like I'm a flake, to have a never-ending list of things to do nagging in the back of my mind, to be wishy-washy on my ability to make plans and respond to communications in twice as much time as it should normally take.  For the delay in my actions I am sorry but I will never apologize for my choice at making Flynn my absolute priority.  In trying to cling to as much time as I can get hardly anything else gets done, which is stressful for me.

Internal conversation with Flynn: It will be great when you can sit up and entertain yourself for longer periods of time.  But take your time!  You're so sweet and little and wonderful just as you are this moment.  Though, having a little more strength and independence isn't a bad thing, I might be able to get something else around this house done.  Don't grow too fast, though!  I want to savor each second with you and if that means the dishes pile up in the sink so I can snuggle your sweet cheeks then they can pile all the way to the moon.  That makes it harder to cook and eat, though, and that is frustrating and stressful for me, not to mention all the other dozens of chores that need to get down around here.  Think you could just hang out right over there with your toys for five, maybe ten minutes so we can have some dinner and vacuum?  If you would rather nurse and snuggle instead that is fine!  I totally can have dinner whenever you go to bed and at least we don't have to feed the dust bunnies... You are so beautiful to me, I could just sit here for ever and shower you with smiles and kisses, blissfully holding your tiny hand.

Since I mentioned it, let's talk about nursing...

I don't think I'll ever know for absolute certain the reason my production is so low and we are continuing to fight the hard fight but I am pretty sure at least a fair chunk of it happened from that whole allergy incident the day after he was born and I ended up in ICU without him to nurse or a breast pump for almost 24 hours was an event I just never fully recovered from.  As a result nursing has been difficult.  Flynn still refuses to nurse without use of a shield and not just with a "*sigh* Yeah, I guess I can try but I really prefer the device", he refuses with back arching, shoving, pouty-lipped, red-faced screams of rage.  Seriously.  If I get anywhere near him with a shieldless breast he thinks acts like I'm torturing him.  Unfortunately he is not a fan of the nursing cover, either (I don't blame him, it's hot and uncomfortable!) but he can't have it both ways.  If he insists on the shield I insist on the cover as there isn't any other way I can keep myself from flashing the entire world without it.  I would LOVE to be able to nurse him unobtrusively wherever we happen to be without having to get out several pieces of equipment but that just isn't in the cards for us.  Piled on top of the fact that during my work days I am only managing to pump maybe, MAYBE a single bottle's work of milk for him I've been starting to question my decision to continue to struggle.

Internal conversation with myself: This is so hard and frustrating and HOT and when he fights it you end up having to fight back tears and feelings of failure and wishes we could re-do that first stupid day.  Why do you keep putting us through this?  At least half, if not more, of his daily intake is formula anyway.  But it's better for him!  It's like liquid gold!  Yes, it's got great things and you're an avid supporter of breastfeeding, but is it really worth all of the stress and anxiety?  The hoops we have to jump through?  It is when we don't have to worry about propriety.  When it's just us and it works it's one of my absolute favorite moments.  I never thought I'd  say it but I LOVE nursing.  It's only easy first thing in the morning and when you get home from work and even then you end up having to 'top him off' with formula because he isn't getting enough from you.  By the way, that tiny bit you've been pumping?  Every day there's a little bit less, no matter how many herb supplements you take and water you drink.  You're drying up.  But even if it's just a little bit or only 1-2 of his meals it is so worth it!  It's worth the bonding and it's worth him getting every drop I can produce.  For that benefit I'll keep fighting for it.  I'm not ready to give up nursing him!  It's bad enough I have to leave him 5 out of 7 days, I'm not ready to lose this, too.  You may not want to lose it but your body has other plans and it is moving forward no matter how you feel about it.

Imagine, by the way, all these italicized bits as an endless stream of agonizing run-on sentences on repeat.  Every day.  All day.  Like running to the end of a dangerously overstretched rubber band and snapping back only to run back the direction from which I'd just come.  For every thought there is a visceral gut counter-thought which breeds yet another thought in opposition and back again and so on and so forth...

In the midst of this self-imposed prison of anxiety and discomfort I struggle with unbidden horrors that pop into my head, especially with the recent story of infants being left in the cars.  I can't even with that.  My sister shared a story years ago about that happening and they found the baby too late.  He had ripped out all of his own hair... that story back then made my gut twist and I have as intense response to thinking about it now as I did when she first told me.  It brings tears to my eyes every single time it invites itself into my head but now I think about that baby with Flynn's face.  I can't help it.  I can't stop it, though I wish I would.  To cope I think how glad I am I have such a strong tool to help me remember to always check the car before I leave it.  Beyond that particular event every story ever that has a child in it makes me think of Flynn and brings me to tears.  It destroys me and all I want to do is pick him up, hold him tight and never let him go.

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.  So far we've been getting good sleep (thanks be!) but to make up for not having as much physical exhaustion I have a lot of physical pain.  My body between my jaw and my shoulder blades screams at me 24-7 for some kind of relief that I don't know how to give so I just soldier through and tune it out.  Almost every movement hurts but I push it aside, I have more important things to do.

I don't think I need advice to fix these issues, though I am always glad for the support and ideas on how other people cope with similar issues, as much as I just need to purge all these things that are building up.  I think back to a post I wrote not long before Flynn was born and how I was worried I wouldn't feel the intense love that so many mothers talk about feeling upon meeting their child for the first time and laugh because I feel it, man.  I feel that all-consuming love so much sometimes I wish it would ease up, just ever so slightly, and just for a moment or two to let me catch my breath.

(left as written, unedited in its rambling, crazy presentation because that is where I am.)

Baby Musts

*please note that I am new at this mom-thing and desire to not sound too much like I know everything about children without fully admitting I don't know everything about children and that all children, parents, play methods and parenting techniques are different and unique to each family.

First, a more substantial update post is forthcoming, as soon as I can find my brain... second, I use the term "must" loosely.  I feel we are fortunate to have our baby in a time where pretty much anything and everything anyone could possibly imagine (gear,clothes, toys, information...) is at our disposal to assist in raising a child.  I've heard, and appreciate, the comment "we didn't have that back then" regarding multiple items Clif and I use without a second thought. We. Are. Lucky.  That said, I wanted to share my thoughts on baby items that have come, and will probably be coming, into our house.

To summarize my philosophy on baby things: children have been raised just fine since the dawn of time WITHOUT all the gadgets out there now.  Can they help and/or streamline the process?  Some do, some may not.  Are they nice to have?  Sure.  Is having one of each and every new item out there necessary to succeed?  No way!  Our parents brought us up beautifully with a fraction of the tools available to us now and I have every confidence I could do the same, even if with not as much grace.  I haven't made that some kind of personal goal, to martyr through child rearing, but it has helped color my perspective on the things we registered and buy for Flynn.

When selecting items to put on our baby registry and shopping lists going forward, there are a few criteria I'd like each item to have at least one of:
1) Gender Neutrality - who knows what baby number two (maybe even three?) will be, I want to get as much use out of our gifts and purchases as possible.  Our nursery, for example, will be just as great for a girl as it is for our boy.
2) Small foot print - toys that can't be packed away in bins or that take up half of the living room space are going to be sparse in our already-bursting house.  We have gear, LOTS of gear, to support Clif's business and I often feel like I'm drowning in stuff, so I want to limit the amount of additional stuff we probably don't even need, especially if it's huge.
3) Multiple uses - also see item 2, I don't have space for one-trick ponies.
4) How many batteries does it take, sounds does it make, does it enhance or hinder my child's will to exercise his own imagination.

With all that in mind, here are some items that I would fight someone for and the reasons why:

My Breast Friend Nursing Pillow -  I admit it, when my sister started RAVING about this thing and INSISTING life would never be the same if I didn't have one and we wished she could have a do-over with her first two girls just so she could use this pillow, I kind of rolled my eyes a little bit.  NOW I GET IT!  It buckles on, no having to worry about or expend energy keeping it close and secure, I can walk around with it held in place (nursing on the move!), it's easier to transfer Flynn if he falls asleep, we play on it, I lean on it when playing with him on the floor, he props on it during tummy time... I registered for a Boppy because they have cute patterns and I'd always heard how great they were.  I don't miss not having one.  At all.  Anything I could do with a Boppy I can do with My Breast Friend and half of them I can do even BETTER.  Seriously.  Get one.  Get one for every mother of a wee one you know!

Co-Sleeper - This one was on the registry then vetoed because Clif was not so hot on the co-sleeping idea.  I ended up making a snap decision to buy it myself several weeks after Flynn was born and it has become one of the most frequently used items we have.  Flynn sleeps in a bassinet next to the bed during the night, but when I get up early in the morning to feed him he goes back to sleep in the sleeper between us in bed so one, the other, or both of us get some extra time to sleep in that feels like snuggle time.  It is easier to soothe him back to sleep, re-pacify him if he spits it out and it's awesome for waking up slowly with some quiet play in the mornings.  We use it all around the house and even more so when we travel (it's easier to carry than the Pack n Play!).  I toss it in the car when I go out late or long enough to threaten Flynn's bed time and might need to whip out a nap station in a quiet corner and on weekend overnight trips.  It folds in half for easy carrying, is really light weight, doesn't take up a lot of space and lets us provide a place to Flynn to nap on the go without leaving him in his car seat.  Flynn has fallen asleep on the couch in the living room and I carry him in it, like a giant pizza box, to the bedroom for the night without disturbing him.  I have the one linked and am loving it, but I am considering getting this one so we can use it a little longer (time in relation to his length).

Pack n Play - When we first brought Flynn home I was worried that getting a brand new one for the house when we already had one stashed and ready to use at the family weekend home might have been superfluous.  Instead we ended up putting it in the living room (mainly because I hated the idea of Flynn sitting alone, staring at the ceiling in our bedroom and missed having him close to me) and it's, at least for now, a permanent fixture.  He naps in it, plays in it, I sometimes change him in it and it's a great catch-all for the toys, blankets and shenanigans that start to take over the living room.  I also keep the play mat in it so I don't have to set it up and tear it down all the time, it fits perfectly and doesn't take up a second foot print of space.

Bouncy Swing - It has a small, compact foot print and two functions: a swing when in the base and a bouncy seat when it stands alone.  It has a belt and handle so I can carry Flynn around the house in it, particularly nice when we bring him to the dinning room to join us for dinner or when I'm going to take him in the shower with me and I need somewhere to put him before and after.  Small (at least by comparison), multi-function, gender neutral. 

Lolly and Friends Giraffe Rattle - This thing AWESOME!  Small, light weight, easy for Flynn's tiny hands to grasp around its neck, doesn't hurt when he inadvertently bashes himself in the face with it and so, so cute!  We were even using it on occasion as a bit of a head support when he was in the car seat, it fit just perfectly to be a little extra pillow for him.  I love it so much I ordered 3 more, just in case one or two gets lost.

O'Ball Rattle - Also small and light weight, simple and inoffensive.  Flynn has been able to grasp and hold on to this sooner and easier than some of his other rattles, partly because it's design makes it so he ends up grabbing hold of it by accident half of the time.

Glider - We have a different one, gifted ours by family and a friend, but any one will do and good gracious, the peaceful hours Flynn and I have spent in that sucker!  Movement may be great for baby but don't underestimate how good it is for YOU, too.

Avent Manual Breast Pump - At first I was afraid, I was petrified... no, really.  Since I ended up in ICU not even 24 hours after birth from too much pressure on my hands, the thought of hand pumping long enough to express any amount of milk gave me the chills, especially based on my experience with the crappy one that came with my electric pump.  So, when the day came that Flynn was having none of nursing, I couldn't get our timing right and I was in so much discomfort I didn't know how I could go any longer, I hopped online to see what was available at the local rural Walmart and picked one that was cheap with decent reviews.  Let me tell you what, a hand pump that is dedicated to that job, not just the add on they throw in for good measure with the big gun, is a whole new world!  It's comfortable, easy to break down to wash and reassemble, fits in the diaper bag and does a great job.  It has saved me on more than one occasion and without having discovered it I would still think of manual pumping as one of motherhood's greatest evils.  Coincidentally, we got an Avent bottle for free when we opened our baby registry and it is our favorite!  Now we have two. :D

Britax B-Agile Travel System Stroller - Yes.  Just yes.  At first we were registered for the something-something City stroller, but they are almost identical and this one is BETTER!  It came with the infant car seat and base, with the other we'd have had to buy the base separately.  It handles like a dream and opens/closes literally with a push of a button.  We thought we would be smart and have the infant base in one of our cars and a "permanent" transitional car seat in the car we used less frequently but we gave up and bought a second base.  Other than Flynn himself, these are the things we are carrying most often.

Ergobaby Carrier - It's comfortable, easy to use and wear, good for baby's hips (just say 'No!' to Baby Bjorn) and even has a hood to address sun protection.  What's not to love?  Ok, the price isn't ideal, but for some things the benefit to the baby just has to outweigh the negatives of going for the cheap option, for me this is one of those things.  A really great alternative is the Infantino Wrap and Tie Baby Carrier.

Brica Infant Carseat Comfort Canopy - We haven't used this one as much, YET.  It's a bug net and a rain/UV cover that makes Flynn's car seat like an awesome little tent.  He may be indifferent to it but I love the protection it provides, it's easy to "install" and folds up into its own carrying case.

Infant Nasal Spray - Seriously, for tiny little creatures they can produce some EPIC nose junk.  Flynn might not -love- what I've come to call Nose Hose time, but we both appreciate the after effects and harvesting some of those suckers isn't too unlike fishermen getting pumped about a prize catch.  Gross?  Absolutely but that doesn't make it any less true.

Dropcam - it sounds crazy, but these cameras have been such lifesavers.  One in the nursery and two in the most-used rooms in the house let me peek in on the daily activity from work.  I the nursery it is great peace of mind to check in on Flynn at night to make sure he's sleeping ok, see if he REALLY needs attention when we hear him cry or if he just needs a minute to resettle, etc.  Being able to check on him without opening the door means we have a window to that much more of his cuteness and can peek without stimulating him by entering the room.

BabyConnect - In the beginning we had concerns about Flynn's size and growth rate, so we wanted to find something to help us keep track of all of his progress.  We tried a few apps before someone told us about this gold mine.  You can track as much or as little information with a wide range of detail options.  It is literally the catch-all and an incredible tool.  You can track nursing, pumping, eating, eliminating, sleeping, doctor's visits, and so much more.  Color coded charts give great snapshots of Flynn's progress or maintenance, which is very comforting.

Well, there's my list so far.  I am certain as we go along I'll discover other goodies I will want to come back and add here.  What's on your list?