In my experience not many people are willing to share their pregnancy difficulties, and I don't blame them for keeping their privacy, but the advice and knowledge I have received from one-on-one supporters who have been there and done that is invaluable and, quite frankly, information I wish I'd had almost a year ago. When Clif and I decided to start trying to grow the family that was all there was to it; make the decision and start trying. If I had known then what I know now our approach might have been quite a bit different. Wishing I'd had that knowledge is a big part of the reason I asked Clif if I could go ahead and post this blog, even though we were having trouble. My hope is to have a bit of therapy, keep our friends and family in the loop and, maybe, help even one person out there who is in the same boat and feeling completely overwhelmed by something that turned out to be not so easy.
At our 8 1/2 week appointment with the midwives, when we found out we'd lost the second, I leaned very quickly to opting for the D&C procedure (last time we'd taken the medicated route). I wanted to try to save a little bit of time, get the process over with and move on down the road and the midwives wanted answers to our genetic makeup to see if that was contributing to our difficulty. I was not at all convinced that was the case but if they wanted it I was ready to trust they knew best, but by that evening I'd decided not to have the procedure in favor of the medicated route again. It was a shock when I received a call the next morning asking to do my pre-procedure questionnaire in preparation for my appointment the following morning.
Breaks. Procedure? Scheduled for Thursday morning? The midwives said I could see the doctor Wednesday afternoon to ask her advice for making the best decision and then she would try to fit me in her Friday schedule if she could. I didn't want to be hasty about having the D&C if there wasn't a great benefit to it and I had come up with so many questions, on top of feeling bolstered to just try one more time before pulling out the hoops to jump through. I felt a little bit panicked as I called the doctor's office to plead for them to let me talk to the doctor before they scheduled me. The nurse was wonderful, calming and assured me we could work it all out. They would hold my appointment but leave the option to cancel for whichever decision I made.
I'd gotten a lot of suggestions for things to ask the doctor when I saw her and I laid the questions and concerns on pretty thick. I said I was ready to give it one more go and questioned the information, or lack of, that could be gained by doing the D&C. If the info gathered was iffy or limited and it was a 'well, let's try it and see' situation I was backing out. She assured me we would be able to gather valuable information either way: a solution to a problem or ruling out an entire category of issues we wouldn't have to even think about any more. We had the opportunity to get some answers one way or the other and she very strongly suggested we take it. I felt confident in her analysis and agreed.
The morning of the D&C could almost be its own story but to sum it up it was much less terrifying than I thought it would be and full of kind hospital staff, drugs, a goody bag with staff-signed thank you card and hilarity. Have you ever met Tipsy Amy? You should see the Post Anaesthetised one...
My follow-up appointment was two weeks later. Unfortunately we didn't have any test results yet but what we lacked in those we made up for in more questions and confusion. The midwives were calling genetics, the radiologist who'd confirmed our miscarriage said my uterus was to blame, someone mentioned blood clots and several story-sharers were suggesting hormones as the culprits. When I asked the doctor about these posibilities she suggested she was happy to help me find some answers but I couldn't help feeling like she didn't know she was going to be the one doing that. My confusion grew not knowing if she is who I should be asking all of my questions or if I was supposed to see her for the tasks then go back to the midwives for the solution. I had no idea what the right procedure was or who I was supposed to be talking to about what and who was supposed to help me try to make sure our pending third attempt would be successful. Was there a right way to do all of this? No one seemed to be very forthcoming with those answers and I feel like I've been grasping for straws.
I'm due back in a week or so for some more blood work and I am prepared to get some solid answers and a plan of attack. Now that I've had a chance to process some I feel better prepared to take ownership of pulling this team together and getting something accomplished. For those of you who may be dealing with a similar circumstance and are also grasping at straws, here are the things I have learned along the way that are forming my next steps to success:
Check List
1.
2. Bad Blood - one suggestion was that I might be throwing tiny little clots that are causing a problem. Hopefully this will get answered in a couple of weeks.
3. Hormone Crazy Town - when I was in for the D&C my doctor mentioned in an off-hand manner that my progesterone was a bit low. I'm not sure why we haven't jumped on that bandwagon with a little more gusto but I'll be asking that question when I go in for bloodwork. So far her answer has been lose some weight, which, let's be honest, if I didn't struggle so hard with it that wouldn't be an issue in the first place, but thanks.
4. Uterus of Doom - there are a couple schools of thought here: the radiologist thinks this could be a real issue and wants to pop me in an MRI, the doctor rolled her eyes in a very doubtful manner and said MRI is overkill and we could do a much simpler dye test if I really wanted. She said even a decently heart-shaped uterus should correct itself during the course of pregnancy and didn't seem convinced that should be a big concern but for me it's still on the table.
We are supposed to wait for two cycles to let my body "normalize" before trying again. That's two months and it's been one. I have one left to get some answers before we get back on this crazy train.
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