Beach Baby

Clif and I took Flynn on our first ever vacation together at the end of August, not just as a family unit of three (plus one pending), but the first time the two of us had been away without additional family and friends.  We didn't even have a honeymoon.

Usually about two times a year the stress from Clif working his own business gets to a point where he is desperate for a break away from the madness.  I'd love to be able to indulge, but vacations have always been, to me, a luxury that we usually can't comfortably afford, or at least couldn't without me feeling stress and guilt that those funds should be utilized elsewhere, like a savings account.  This time, however, Clif's stress peaked while we were both under the additional strain of being under several HUGE and costly home improvement projects, as well as having the second baby on the way.  I figured it was time to bite the bullet and conceded to a break, even if it was a quick jog to the nearest beach for a 3-day weekend. 

Our plan was for me to go to work early so I could leave early so we could hit the road before rush hour traffic got too out of control.  Should have figured our plans would hit several road blocks, starting with Flynn waking up sick to his stomach.  I called out of work so I could help take care of Flynn while Clif tried to get a little extra sleep, hoping it was just an upset tummy and our little guy would feel better so we could go on our trip.  For a few hours it was looking questionable that we would make it and would be out the cost of our vacation without the benefit of enjoying it.  Luckily somewhere around lunch time Flynn seemed to be back to his usual self and had kept down food and water, so we felt we were back on track, at least for the most part.  The day before at my OB appointment I had a little blood pressure spike which prompted the doctor to order a full blood panel and 24-hour collection.  I told him we were leaving for the beach the next day, which concerned him a bit, but we were able to juggle the hours just enough to fit in the lab work and still let us make it for our trip.  That meant I needed to drop off my 24-hour collection on our way out of town, but while I was in the office Thursday they went ahead and drew blood for the panel to hopefully save me some time.  Road block #2: the lab couldn't/wouldn't accept the previous draw from my doctor's office and I spent almost an hour getting checked in and processed so they could draw another set of tubes to run.  So much for a quick drop-off...

We managed to get on the road pretty close to the time we had originally ball-parked, to me a minor miracle.  Traffic was terrible, naturally, and a multi-lane closure on Rt 50 just before the Bay Bridge due to an accident, and a much-needed dinner stop on Kent Island all contributed to a nearly 5 hour trip out of town to Ocean City, MD.  We arrived at our hotel around 9:00 at night, worn out and raw from the long drive (Flynn had been darn near perfect for the ride). 

As we got closer to the beach, my excitement about the weekend had grown, I was sure we were going to have such a great time!  Until we got to our hotel room... the hotel's website was misleading, confusing, and the suite we thought we had booked turned out to be a single room with two beds and no separate room to set up Flynn's pack-n-play to hopefully help him sleep (he's a professional at refusing sleep when we are away from home).  On top of that there were loud late-night beach goers and hotel neighbors sharing weed on their deck (luckily neither thing affected us when we were IN our hotel room, just the balcony), which turned out to be the straw that broke Clif's camel's back.  He was exhausted, stressed, furious and ready to immediately re-pack the car to go home.  I didn't have much reserve in my tank, either, so I tasked myself with trying to handle Flynn and get Clif to just get in bed and get some rest.  Finally, around 12:30 am, Flynn passed out and Clif and I were mere moments behind him.  Sometime close to 4:30 or 5, Flynn woke up crying, obviously disoriented and still exhausted, so I scooped him up and took him to bed with me.  He, much to my joy and amazement, settled right in and we went back to bed for several more hours.  Flynn is an incredibly independent sleeper, so I relished this being the second, maybe third time I was able to doze off with him next to me.

The light of the next day (and much needed rest) made things look a little less dismal and we decided we were determined to turn our weekend around.  We had a delicious omelet and crepe breakfast from the Bayside Skillet, with leftovers enough to cover our breakfast for the next two days.  Before lunch we ventured down to the beach and spent an hour or so introducing Flynn to the ocean, playing in the surf.  I dare say I think he really loved it, even though learning how to adjust his balance for the coming and going of waves was challenging for all of us.  Having Flynn near the water had been my biggest anxiety going into the weekend and I was relieved it went so well (and, honestly, to get it overwith). 

After our beach excursion there was lunch and quiet time, where Flynn was supposed to have been worn out enough to take a nap, but Mama passed out instead.  We all got up and dressed for a dry evening and headed down to our end of the boardwalk to take a walk before dinner.  Our hotel was located at the exact end of the boardwalk, where most of the real estate is residential and it's quiet.  Not too far down, though, we came across a kitschy beach-gear shop and walked through.  Flynn discovered some toy cars on the shelf under the cash register, so he made himself at home on the floor to play.  I gave him a minute or two then said we needed to put the trucks back and go for dinner, which sparked a tidal wave of distress.  Not a precedent I intend to set for all situations in the future, but with the lack of sleep I knew he was running on, and the fact I needed to do whatever I needed to to try to keep all of us sane, we bought the truck.  I had never seen Flynn take to a toy as passionately as he did to this silly white Hummer car with doors that open and close.  Usually after a minute or two with a toy he will throw it and move on to something new, but not this one.  He drove it, hugged it, and carried it in a vice grip the entire way back to the hotel, both when he was walking and riding on Clif's shoulders.  He played with it all during dinner and snuggled with it when he conked out, exhausted, in the car seat afterwards as we made our way to the "action" end of the boardwalk. 

Did I mention Flynn was tired?  We parked between two amusement parks, each blaring their own bass-heavy sound systems, and pulled him out of his car seat like he was a rag doll.  Usually, even when he's tired and napping, he wakes up when we open the car door, if not when the car turns off, but this time he didn't even bat an eye and stayed sound asleep on Clif's shoulder, another first for all of us.  We walked a little ways up the boardwalk through the crowd (not too bad), found a seat on one of the benches overlooking the beach and pier amusement park and just enjoyed the time relaxing, people watching, and Flynn marveling/snuggling.  On our way back to the car we treated ourselves to dessert before heading back to the hotel for a blissfully early night to bed, which went much better than the night before.

On Sunday we stayed low-key with breakfast leftovers, some Sunsations window shopping, a very brief trip to the FREEZING cold hotel pool, reheated leftovers for lunch, more quiet time and a fantastic dinner at a fun, quirky pirate-themed restaurant with great food.  The highlight of the day for me was family portraits at the Olde Timey photo place.  That had been my singular, driven goal since we decided on a beach trip and I would have been broken hearted if we hadn't made it happen.  A couple of things made it a very successful experience for us: 1) it was Sunday before Labor Day and most people were heading home. 2) we visited in the late morning when most other people were at the beach or doing other activities (I've found these photo places get hopping in the evenings). 3) Since we had the timing right, we had the place to ourselves which meant practically every employee in there was free to help us as well as Flynn.  He even had someone dedicated to wrangling his costume hat.  Though getting one of these pictures was my primary mission on this trip, I had been anxious about getting it done without any major issues or meltdowns.  The employees made it fast, easy and fun.

On Monday morning we packed the car, checked out of the hotel and took one more drive down to the boardwalk where we discovered a delicious coffee shop that we will be sure to revisit on future beach trips.  We took a little stroll on the boardwalk before the rain came in and stopped at a Candy Kitchen for some fudge and salt water taffy then headed home.  Despite a rocky start to the adventure, we ended up having a wonderful time on our first family vacation.

The Second Third Trimester

Cheeto isn't even here yet and I'm already slacking at keeping a record of the progress of this pregnancy.  As noted in the last post, the past several months have been a whirlwind, and while some things have turned around, we've had more bad luck to work our way through, too.  It keeps us tough, keeps us working hard, keeps us soundly on the tips of our toes.

Quick update about Flynn: I have never known a better child.  I know that sounds so cliche and partial, and of course it is, but I think it also has a healthy dose of truth.  He is happy, friendly, easy going, sweet, loving, and so much fun, I often wonder how we have been so blessed.  I know there will be rough days in our future, but I hope he keeps those qualities as he grows.  The down side is it doesn't help my poor time allocation skills.  Though my fluctuating hormones certainly have something to do with it, I've found myself struggling, especially the past few weeks, with finding good balance in my day-to-day.  I wake up, work (either at the office or on house chores), try to work in the feeding of mouths (Flynn's first, and let me tell you how much I dread mealtime with him, only because I feel I fail at providing enough well-balanced and varied options, then mine but only if I have enough energy), attempt to integrate chores with quality play time, go through Flynn's bedtime routine, then usually barely make it into bed, myself.  I have been finding it hard to juggle all of the things I feel I need to do as a working mother and spouse (poor Clif...) and still have time to do something just for me (play a game, read a book, catch up on guilty pleasure tv shows).  I wonder if it would be easier to juggle if Flynn weren't so wonderful, so I'd have the desire or need to get a break from him.  Instead I force myself to split attention between him and the mountain of things that need always need to be finished and feel guilty for not giving him all of my time, then feeling worn down when I don't allow myself to charge my batteries. One of these days I'll find a better balance, I hope.

As for Cheeto, this pregnancy has been going great.  Which worries me... If the challenging pregnancy with Flynn produced such an easy kid, I shudder to think of the reverse situation!  Having been through the experience once already, though, I don't feel the same vague detachment and lack of bonding I did with Flynn.  I smile and put my hand on my belly or chuckle and make a comment when Cheeto is awake and boisterous, kicking and rolling around like a gymnast.  I have something more tangible to relate the experience to and it allows for a very different perspective, which is exciting.  I have lost/maintained my weight, which is still crazy (go figure the only time I can lose weight is when I'm pregnant...), my gestational diabetes is being diet controlled, and my blood pressure has actually been darn near perfect at my OB appointments, which is incredible.  If we keep going at this rate I may be able to stay out of bed and go into labor, a very exciting prospect. 

In other news we are facing a lot more changes around the corner.  Next week we will begin demolition in our basement apartment in preparation for a renovation to get it ready for a new renter, hopefully as soon as possible.  We really don't know what we could be getting into with this project, and won't know until the reno is done, which is a scary unknown.  What we DO know is by choosing to take on this much-needed update we will increase our rental perspectives.  Our plan is to rent until we can purchase a new van for the growing family and repay the amount it will cost to complete the project, ballparking around the next 5-7 years.  We are also looking at refinancing the mortgage to a lower rate to help increase some of the speed with which we can reach this goal.

I am also working on trying to re-jump start my supplemental income as a direct sales consultant.  Being able to work a side job like that is a very big challenge on top of my 9-5 job and the other demands at home, but building this foundation will help me provide supplemental income for the whole family.  It will also help absorb some of the burden that will come from my pending maternity leave, which I have without pay.  I'm excited to have joined a company that I believe in and offers beautiful products, but business and sales is not a natural strength of mine, something I have to really work on and practice.  I am hopeful, however, that I will be able to learn some new skills, and work towards continuing to support our family when one of our primary means of income will be put on hold for several months. 

Because, Of Course

April and May were not the kindest months for us and so far June is not shaping up to be much better (though I'm stubbornly hopeful for a turnaround).  It all started with a bank of upper kitchen cabinets coming away from the wall......

Obviously, a fairly concerning safety hazard that needed to be repaired sooner rather than later.  We emptied the cabinets, their contents relocating to various surfaces around the dinning and living rooms, while we decided what to do.  We started with thinking we could just have them fixed, but learned that their basic construction was not done correctly and a fix would have to include some creative Macguyvering to work.  While that would have been the cheapest option available, it wasn't ideal and may have only bought us a bit more time.  We started to consider what it would cost to replace the cabinets correctly, which then became a discussion involving dreams we had to fix several issues in our kitchen.  Hey, if we were going to have someone come give us an opinion and estimate, we might as well ask them about our other wishes.

Soon we realized it didn't seem logical or effective to try to match one set of cabinets to the rest, and the other wishes we had were really bigger problems than we'd let ourselves realize.  We had to rip out a pantry to be able to move our fridge to make room for an upstairs laundry unit.  That meant all of our pantry items took up every upper cabinet we had, one of which only opened half way into the stove hood and was incredibly difficult to use, much less effectively.  Pantry items in the cabinets meant dish wear needed a home, so we bought an open shelving unit that worked wonderfully until we had Flynn and realized there was no way to baby-proof our kitchen, so his living space in our house became drastically reduced.  All of these issues snowballed into one terrifying decision: we were going to gut and redo the entire kitchen.

I admit, I had a hard time with the decision at first, it would be the second largest purchase I'd ever made in my life, second to the house.  It was nerve wracking, but I knew we were making a good decision for the right reasons and the way we lived in our house would change for the better.  I realize that sounds a little bit silly and drastic, but it's true.  We never could have dreamed what we would find once the demo started, though, nor could we have anticipated the pile of other frustrations and heart-aches that came on the heels of this choice.  Deciding to do something about those upper cabinets felt like pulling the pin on a grenade.

Kitchen demo revealed:
- horribly wrong and unsafe wiring (bundles stripped and taped together without junction boxes in several locations, including the wall behind the sink and dishwasher).
- stove vent hood venting into the ceiling, where it singed the wood framing and melted insulation and wiring.  We were unknowingly holding our breath until the house caught fire.
- 4-6 inches of 5 different styles of flooring, including carpet and a second sub-floor, that had to be removed with an industrial crow bar, purchased on the spot because the usual tools weren't cutting it.  This was a safety choice as with that much floor there were step-up thresholds in both doors to the kitchen that almost everyone tripped over, I was always worried someone would really hurt themselves.
- one corner of the ceiling was held up by nothing but the mechanic of being propped on top of the joining corners of drywall.
- the extra couple of inches we thought we could get out of the ceiling height turned into many when we learned the construction was designed for the ceiling to have a vault.  Cabinet order needed to be stopped and corrected.

Kitchen rebuilding:
- electrician was delayed and had to complete electrical clean-up and rewiring in 2-3 days over the course of the week.  The first day was clean up that knocked out power to our outside dining room wall that was housing our temporary kitchen (microwave, toaster oven, etc.), so we were without our full kitchen as well as the temporary for a week.
- drywall finishers were delayed several days.
- cabinets were delayed and had to be reordered (see ceiling surprise in demo reveal).
- new appliance delivery date pushed back 3 times over the course of a week.
- quick, unprepared-for work in the basement resulted in angering of tenants and over a week's worth of egg-shell walking and apologies to try to smooth things over.
- half of new floor installed only to find some of the boxes have tiles that are different sizes.  Floor is ripped up and boxes returned for new ones.  Second install reveals that the issue was not those 4 boxes of tile but that the manufacturer is lousy and can't make uniform tiles to save their lives.  5 different sizes of tile are installed carefully with great intent to try to accommodate for and make up size variances.
- extra cost decisions were made under the guise that this kitchen has to be safe, it has to be right, and we might as well get what we want because we will NOT be doing this again.
- trouble getting the electrician and painters back in to finish work, delay project at least another week.
- 2 week projected project snowballs into at least 8 weeks without a kitchen, life upended, possibly counting depending on how the next week goes.

At the end of the day we really love our contractors and they are doing great work.  No one could have anticipated the issues we've had up to this point, they are trying to do the best they can with what they discover and the end product will be so worth all the upheaval and frustration.

In the meantime...
- discovered second round of gestational diabetes, on top of already existing pregnancy restrictions, making eating right incredibly difficult.  Not to mention stressful, which isn't great for managing high blood pressure.
- new-as-of-February water heater craps out 3 times, resulting in two separate weeks without hot water and an epic battle to try to get it permanently and properly fixed.
- 2 friends have passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly in April and May.
- at least 2 friends are fighting cancer.
- 2 arrests are made on our street, one for "inappropriate relations with a minor while in supervisory role" (this is a neighbor across the street and personal acquaintance of Clif from years ago), the other a drug dealer who notoriously uses our street for his escape path.
- high frustrations and tensions lead to strain in a variety of personal relationships and result in the need for apologies, clean ups, and damage control because our patience and Ability To Deal is wearing thin and unintentionally leaking into other aspects of our lives.
- buy new ties for car on a Friday, Saturday the transmission gives out resulting in a HUGE amount of money to be paid for fixing.  Opt for a re manufactured transmission with warranty which comes in and installed with a leak. Leak fixed but still making noise so car stays another week for a second transmission to be ordered and shipped.  Depriving parents of one of their vehicles for just over 2 weeks, which is usually no pressure, except they are having car trouble of their own.
- questionable substance issues swiftly leads to us being blind sided and surprised at landing in a position where we need to pull together more money to fix up our basement apartment to be rented to a new tenant.  Hurt, anger, and some bitterness is involved.  Plans for an extended maternity leave and reduced stress first year with two children in jeopardy if we don't make it happen.

I haven't been keeping a running tally, like I meant to, of the issues we have been struggling through the past two months, so I'm sure I've forgotten something in the midst of everything else, but I think you get the gist.

I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads, that our house isn't under water, that we have the ability to make these changes in our home (even if that ability comes with a bit of discomfort), and that even through it all we live a fortunate life.  These things I remind myself. Every. Singe. Day.

Despite our blessings, I'm still human and flawed.  I'm stressed, frustrated, sad, hurt, feeling judged and looked down on, too scared to ask for help for fear of behind-back whisperings and shaking of heads at the situation we got ourselves into.  This has been hard, for Clif who has to live through this construction zone while taking care of Flynn, and for me who just doesn't usually deal well with stress and is trying to take care of everyone else.  We are doing the best we can, but we are having a hard time.  I feel like I'm on the edge of complete and utter panic and not sure how to keep from falling over.  We are making the best choices we can and trying to do what's right for our family, but I'm struggling.  I'm uncertain.  I'm second-guessing and then second-guessing my second-guessing. 

Just looking for the silver lining, hope it's around here somewhere.

Castleman Cubed Plus One

This post won't be published until several weeks after it was written to allow us to struggle through the first trimester, but since we've taken another giant step into our adventurous future, I wanted to keep track of some of the details of the moment.

Energy: severely lacking.  So tired.  All the time.  Aaaalllllllllll the time...
Nausea: A nearly-constant frienemy
Weight: back to pre-first baby weight (not good), dreading the fight against potential gain
Aversions: fragrance of most varieties 
Things that make me cry: really sad or really happy news stories and videos like this - https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153008303469927
or this - https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153575376100299&fref=nf

Food Cravings:
Dominos Greek salad
Everything bagels with plain cream cheese and sliced fresh tomatoes
Pimento filled green olives
Blueberry muffins
Stuffing
Campbells soup (chicken and stars, minestrone, vegetable)
Deviled eggs
Chicken nuggets
Popcorn shrimp
Strawberry shortcake 
Coke

Food No-Gos:
Dominos Greek salad
Chicken breast
Crackers
The mere existence of Ranch mashed cauliflower leftovers that sounded like such a great idea when I made them the night before

Holiday Unwind

As the holiday dust settles and we ease into the, for me, hardest part of the year (post-holiday AND seasonal blues with hardly a snowflake in sight), I finally have the chance to reflect on our Christmas and New Year's.

I'm sure you can guess, but we had an absolutely outstanding holiday.  Every year we are blessed to get to share the season with our friends and family, surrounded by loved ones, and every year it gets a little bit better.  This year was my favorite to date because we got to add Flynn to the mix.  As expected, he was more interested in the wrapping paper and boxes than the gifts, but little dude scored some pretty great toys to help pique his educational, musical and chewing interests.

One of my personal parenting goals has been to try not to flood Flynn with a million toys.  So far I think we are doing a fairly decent job of keeping the potential mountain to a minimum, and I'm really proud of that fact.  Several months ago I bought him a couple of small developmental toys, just so he had SOMETHING more stimulating than a rattle to help inspire his brain while we waited for Christmas.  I managed to keep his big gift from Clif and myself, an adorable stuffed rocking moose that has crinkly antlers, squeaky ears and plays 4 different songs about colors, numbers, letters and the awesomeness of rocking, a secret from Flynn AND Clif.  Again, knowing Flynn would most likely be ambivalent to the actual gift, I was so excited about it I kept it from Clif so I had at least one person who would be excited about opening it.  We plopped Flynn in the saddle and snapped pictures of his bemused bewilderment, surrounded by his encouraging cousins.  He still has a ways to go until he can fully engage with his rocker solo, but it's still one of my personal favorites.

Also in the epic Christmas haul were incredible baby booties by Zutano.  I had heard about and seen these suckers in action not too long after Flynn was born, but forgot about them until Clif's parents gave us a pair with an adorable new outfit.  They are designed to Stay On Always, and aside from less than half a dozen instances where Flynn was caught up in a blanket or his car seat and managed to get them off because of violent and aggressive foot action, they have done just that.  We have almost abandoned baby socks and shoes entirely in favor of these things and bought a second pair.  They are a touch on the pricey side but worth EVERY penny and are getting added to my baby must-have list.  Clif's parents also gave Flynn an adorable set of percussion instruments that are stored inside a clear drum.  Each instrument has a letter/insect, are neutral in color scheme, make great sounds that aren't too loud or piercing and tactile stimulating.  Other favorites include a drive-and-learn toy (that horn honking is almost irresistible) and several other goodies.

One of my favorite parts of the day, though (and there were many!), was when we made a stop at the Loudoun Birthing Inn for a special delivery.  I had decided several months ago that I would take scarves I'd knit as gifts to the nursing staff who had to work on Christmas.  I packed up a bunch of them and took Flynn and my mother-in-law on our way to our family dinner.  When we arrived I asked the receptionist if she could tell me how many nurses were on the floor, and if she could find out if any of them recognized my name.  She remembered me and went in the back to see who was available.  Several minutes later she came back grinning, told me they had literally just been talking about me and how last year they came to my room to sing me Christmas carols, and that they would be up front in a minute.  The receptionist went back again, and when she returned she had her phone in front of her, I could tell immediately that she was taking a video.  Right behind her came the 4 nurses on shift, singing a Christmas carol for us.  What a special, sentimental treat!  I recognized all 4 nurses and we passed around hugs and joy.  I handed off their scarves and some extras for the mothers who were also on the floor.  They then sent up Dr. J-C, the one who we first met on that fateful early December day when I felt so steamrolled, upset and overwhelmed, so much so they admitted me to Labor and Delivery for observation that kicked off the whole bed-rest saga.  Clif and I love Dr. J-C and it seemed perfect that she was the one working so we could show her how well Flynn and Mommy were doing.  She got a scarf, too, and soon we were back on the road to our next stop.

Gifts are nice, but the best present was all of the love, joy and memories that were created on our fabulous Christmas with so many people we love.  I know Flynn won't remember it, but I look forward to getting to share the story of his first Christmas with him one day.

Oh, and New Year's?  It was lovely, low key, spent in PJs loafing around the house and ended in some bubbly, a kiss from Clif, a fingertip kiss for Flynn, and watching snippets of neighborhood fireworks through the trees from the driveway.  In other words, perfection.