Dye Dye, Goaks!

In May I packed up myself and the boys (no small feat, even for short weekends) and went with Mom and Dad to the 'Yellow House' in Luray.  There were some plumbing projects to be done, Clif needed some focus time to work on his book, and we love being there.

The weather for the majority of the last month had been chilly and raining, no less so during this trip, so we had plans to lounge around and take in a viewing or two of Pirates of Penzance, which proved to be an extra effective tool for keeping super-curious and friendly Flynn out of the plumbers' way while they were working.  Mom and I chatted with the two men for a bit and through some story telling I felt prompted to look at Luray Facebook pages to see what was out there.  I had long ago liked the page for the Caverns, learned that there was a separate page for Luray itself, and saw a page for the Luray Rescue Zoo.

Now, Luray having a zoo was not at all news to me.  We pass the sign featuring a tiger for the zoo on our way in to town, and have passed it every single trip for as long as I can remember.  We visit the Walmart across the road from the zoo several times whenever we are there, and so are quite familiar with the giant alligator-mouth entrance and dated fiberglass dinosaur that stands sentinel beside the parking lot entrance.  I have at least once every season wondered to myself why we had never been to the zoo and sometimes make a mental note to go, maybe on the following trip, but it hadn't happened yet.  I think we all thought that a small country zoo would have too much potential for a negative experience of one variety or another to even take the chance, but pulling up the Facebook page changed my mind. Seeing that the Luray Zoo was a rescue zoo helped shift my expectations.  To me, rescue efforts are very different than someone trying to open a zoo for the purpose of profit.  I was also encouraged by the pictures of enrichment activities provided to the inhabitants, in particular the efforts made to celebrate the birthday of their tiger with special (appropriate) treats.  I was intrigued anew. 

Since we'd been in the house all day, and Mom needed to stay home with the plumbers, she offered to watch Toby so Flynn and I could have a mama/son date and be the first ones in the family to visit Luray zoo.  We were flirting with lunch/nap time, so I was a little bit hesitant, but it turned out to be such a fun adventure.

Flynn was a little bit cautious as he eyeballed the giant alligator mouth that was the front door.  I didn't make any deal out of it, simply ignored it was there and walked confidently through, and he followed without a chance to show any more concern.  Of course, it helped that we entered directly into a gift shop filled with toys and stuffed animals.  I was greeted by one of the owners, bought my ticket (yay for free kids!) and took Flynn's hand as we were pointed through a back door of the gift shop.  The owner stood in the doorway and I felt a little bit like Dorothy-not-in-Kansas-anymore from how we were directed to proceed through the zoo then left to our own devices in a strange place.

First we had to navigate two substantially sized reptile room.  Tanks were stacked 3-high, almost every one was occupied, and at least 3/4 of the inhabitants were venomous.  I walked through slowly, letting Flynn walk at first, then carrying him so he could see the higher tanks.  We greeted almost every snake ("Hello, snake!") and while it was incredibly fascinating to see such an impressive collection of varieties of snakes from all over the world, by the middle of the second room I started to feel uneasy and imagined that one could start a horror movie based on being surrounded by so many deadly creatures.  I picked up my pace and forced a pause at the end of the room with a huge murky dark water tank at shoulder height to my left (the home a positively huge prehistoric-looking snapping turtle) and in front of us a giant window looking into the hangout for two massive alligators looking directly back at us.

I took a couple of slow, deep breaths to calm my rising nerves then carried Flynn out the back door into the main part of zoo.  We stopped to read the rules for expected conduct and I held his hand while we explored the cages.  We saw a few varieties of primates, many varieties of birds (parrots, doves, hawks, owl, peacock, condor, kookaburra), a tiger, porcupine, and lemur to name a few.  The exhibits had plaques that provided information about the type of animal inside, but many also had plaques with that particular animal's name and their story of how they came to the rescue zoo. I very much enjoyed learning about the animals, both facts about their species, and facts about who they were as individuals.

Flynn and I were the only two humans in the park, so we had ample, uninterrupted time to stroll through the exhibits.  As we were closing the loop and nearing the door back into the reptile rooms I noticed 3 small goats walking along the path towards us.  I looked around, expecting someone on staff to appear, assuming the goats were being moved from one space to another, but no one else was around.  I watched the goats get closer, trying to quickly decide how to handle the situation as Flynn hadn't seen them yet.  I decided to just let the moment happen then make a decision based on his reaction.  I pointed them out so he wouldn't be too surprised to turn around and find himself surrounded, and he leaned towards me a little bit, but otherwise just watched with mild interest.  The goats were more interested in finding vegetation to graze on than us, which made for a pretty much perfect animal-child introduction; neither overwhelmed the other.  Seeing that the goats weren't aggressive or overly-affectionate, Flynn and I went on ahead with our exploration, the trio of goats trailing leisurely along behind us.

At the back part of the property is where the petting zoo section was, and there we found all the rest of a good-sized herd of goats, many of which easily jumped the wooden rails to join us in the 'viewing pavilion'.  It was here that I read a sign informing visitors not to be concerned if the goats jump the fence and roam, they are very much permitted to do so (this sign might be more helpful up front when first entering the zoo, but hey). Flynn was completely nonplussed at being surrounded by four-legged mouthy creatures, some with horns, and I was thrilled!  He talked to them, gave gentle pats, and crouched down to see what they were doing as they nosed the floor for bits of food, I was really impressed by his naturally calm and nonchalant demeanor. My fun, happy-go-lucky guy.

After a few minutes bonding with the goats we said goodbye ("Dye dye, goaks!") and made our way back through the wandering path, offering goodbyes to the rest of the residents.  In the gift shop we picked up a couple of goodies to take home as souvenirs, all in all a wonderful Mama/Son date.

I love animals so much and it is my hope to impart that love to my children.  So far I think we are on the right track.

Apology Letter to My Second Born

My Dear Toby,

One day (and there will probably be many of them) you will hear lamentations of how the first born child has the most pictures taken, stories written, entries in the baby book while the second born has fewer because time is now divided between children, which leaves less of it to spend on things like journaling.  Now, unlike when your father and I were younger, pictures have become so much easier to take, so I'm not concerned about not having as many pictures of you as I do your brother, I've got that area pretty well covered.  The writing down of stories and entering milestone dates in a baby book, however, I'm not doing so great at keeping up.  The last entry I made in this blog was 5 months ago and it was about your delivery 3 months before that.

So, this is my apology to you for not carving out more time to write about our little discoveries along the way.  It would be easy to say it's because we would rather simply 'live in each moment' than spend time with nose pressed to a computer or smart device screen, but the reality is I'm forgetful and I lose track of how quickly time flies.  My promise to you is I will always strive to be better about documenting our journey with you and Flynn, but know that I will, sadly probably often, fall a little short.

Let's play a bit of catch up.  You, Tobias Hunter, are such an incredible child.  Just like your brother you are sweet, gentle, loving, and not just happy, but bursting with joy.  You rarely cry and if/when you do it is usually fairly manageable to make you content once again.  A friend of mine once described me to someone else as 'shooting laser beams of joy from her eyes', rest assured you inherited that from me. Joy and happiness will be a common theme in stories I write and tell about you because you are the embodiment of those things.  I don't think I'll ever run out of ways to express that about you because you seem to never run out of ways to make that fact known.  Everyone you meet feels the effects of your joy, most of all your brother, father and me.  We could be in the worst of rainy day moods and one flirty-eyed, slobbery grin from you can make us smile and breath a little easier.  Thank you for bringing so much MORE sunshine into our family.

Right now, at nearly 8 months old, your favorite things are smiling, tooting (you are one SERIOUSLY gassy child...), eating, laughing, and CHEWING ALL THE THINGS.  Seriously, so much chewing, though I suppose that's to be expected when you appear to be trying to cut all of your teeth at once!  A couple of weeks ago your very first tooth (lower middle-right [your right], if you really want to know) finally broke gum.  I didn't cry like I did when Flynn's came in, though I am still a little sad to be losing your gummy grins.  The second time feels a little easier to accept.  Two days later your second tooth (lower middle-left) broke through.  Two teeth right next to each other at once, you are a determined little dude.  Just about two weeks later and I'm pretty positive I can feel the edge of one of your upper teeth.  By the way you get fussy here and there, and the fact that pretty soon we will need to invest in a house boat with how much you drool, I wouldn't be surprised if you will be ready for more advanced food explorations before the summer hits.

Your new little mouth-razors are doing a miraculous thing: making me glad we are still using a shield when nursing.  I don't think you are biting me, but it wouldn't feel as painful if/when you did.  In the last month you have actually nursed for a couple of prolonged periods of time without it, which were glorious, but you quickly reverted to insisting on having it.  That proves to me again, just like your brother, you are one strong-willed and opinionated soul.  Heaven help us.

You are getting better every day at sitting up by yourself, though not yet without the safety of pillow-ed surroundings or someone sitting behind you for when you lose your balance and try to fall flat on your face.  Your balance checks are working more often than not, which is progress, and soon you'll be so stable I'll be able to let you sit and play with Flynn while I try to get some chores done.  Not that I'll want to do chores, I'd rather spend time with the two of you, but this house is a wreck and needs some TLC.  You are also getting closer to crawling.  You enjoy playing on the floor for longer periods of time, have been proficient at rolling from your back to your front for weeks and weeks, and are slowly starting to figure out going the other direction, just the opposite of Flynn.  While on your tummy you like to lift all four limbs in the air and kick as if you are trying to swim.  It is adorable, you look so determined.  You are also starting to push yourself up really high on your fully extended arms and I can see the wheels turning in your head over the concept of getting your knees up under you, tush in the air, the inevitable per-cursor to crawling.  You have definitely started to travel, though not with any real intent.  Mostly you kind of cruise the path of least resistance: scooting backwards or changing the way you are facing depending on where the most exciting activity in the room is.  Usually it's your brother and you could give yourself whiplash with how fast you snap your head around to watch him, wherever he is.

I started this post with the intent of making it ENTIRELY about you, but I've found that is nearly impossible as Flynn simply IS a part of your life.  Always has been, always will be.  I'm actually kind of thankful that neither of you will be able to remember a time without the other, I think and hope that will add to your brotherly bond.  A bond that is already growing so strong.  I love the way you watch his every move with sheer wonder and awe.  You smile so wide, so bright, and laugh all the way down to your toes when he looks at you.  In the past couple of weeks he has started engaging with you in more direct, independent ways and it is wonderful.  For a couple of months he's been good at retrieving a toy for you, if we ask, or bringing you a pacifier if our hands are full.  He knows when you cry you have a need and has seen us try to fill that need with those things (paci, bottle, toy...) so he would sometimes attempt to offer one of those things when you fussed.  Now, thanks in part to your growing mobility, your interactions together are growing, too.  Flynn plays peek-a-boo while you laugh and laugh.  He kisses you gently (then will turn around and headbutt me).  He knows he has to be more careful with you, and though there are times he gets so excited he forgets himself and his proximity to you, those are uncommon moments.

Last night he dragged you in your high chair to a cubbyhole on the bookshelf where he had positioned some of his trucks so you could see them.  He narrated to you what they were and, I imagine, explained something along the lines of how they are fun to play with, or the reason why he placed them there (it's anyone's guess, your father and I still don't fully understand everything he says).  The point is, he wanted to include you in his activity, engage you, share with you something that he found fun and enjoyable.  At one point he walked away, leaving you facing the trucks on the shelf, looking like you'd been placed in time out, but when I pulled your chair back to face me at the dinning table Flynn ran back, loudly proclaiming dissatisfaction that I had the nerve to try to keep you from his beloved toys.  This happened several times and you just went along with the whole thing.

Some days I have a moment or two where I find myself thinking how I can't wait until you... are big enough to sit up by yourself so I can walk away for a second, or start crawling so I don't have to carry you everywhere, or pull yourself up and start walking so you and Flynn can play and entertain each other to give me back just a little bit more autonomy.  Then I almost immediately regret the wish, try to suck it back in and deny I had any wish other than for you to take your time growing up.  I hold you, a LOT, probably much more than I -need- to, though never more than I should.  I should (and might argue, need) to hold you as much as I can while you are still small enough to do so.  I look at Flynn, at how big and independent he is already, always on the go, and realize that stage just happened so fast.  I don't want to miss a single moment of snuggle time with you, knowing that as you get older my chances to hold you for as long as I want will continue to drift away.  It doesn't matter that the dishes don't get done or the pet hair collects in little hallway tumble weeds or I can barely find the living room floor through the mess of toys, shoes, and miscellaneous shenanigans.  Those things can wait, even if the chaos makes me a little bit bonkers.  Playing with Flynn and holding you makes me feel better, and it's far more important than that other stuff.  Before we know it you both will be old enough to help with household chores and I can maybe regain at least a little bit of ground on the mess we wade through, but for right now I am content to immerse myself in your slobbery, milk-drunk, gassy grins from the proximity of my encircled arms.  I would say you don't have a choice in the matter, but you do.  You could scream and fuss or fidget if I tried to hold you too much, but you don't. 

So, my sweet second-born, thank you for letting me hold on to you as long as I possibly can.  Thank you for being ours.

Love,

Mama (and Flynn and Daddy)

The Story of Tobias Hunter

I've been suffering from the second child syndrome, the one where there are fewer pictures/posts of the new addition because life gets twice as crazy.  Only 3 months late, but here's a much-needed information dump:

Some avid fans of the Divergent young adult novel trilogy might hear the name of the fourth member of our family and think we were one of them.  While I have read, and enjoyed, the books, I did so well after we had our name chosen, so Toby sharing the name of one of the main characters (who's nickname happens to be Four) wasn't our inspiration, just coincidence.  Clif and I have had a name chosen for a girl for most of the time we've been together, but boy names were much harder for us, so it figured we'd have two boys.  Luckily Toby's name came much quicker and easier for us and suits him perfectly.

Even though my pregnancy with Toby was much smoother than with Flynn, at one of my last check-up appointments our OB, Dr. Foster, thought it would be a wise idea to go ahead and schedule a c-section to deliver Toby due to some elevated blood pressures.  We were at full term and we wouldn't be taking any risks of my blood pressure going haywire and causing any real problems.  The appointment was on a Thursday and by the time it was over we were scheduled to deliver that upcoming Sunday.   I went in to work for a few hours Friday morning so I could wrap up my work for my maternity leave then returned home for a day and a half of bed rest.

Mom came to watch Flynn and Clif and I headed over to the Birthing Inn to check in before the sun came up on Sunday, September 27th.  The L&D floor was fairly quiet, even more so since I was one of only two mothers who were scheduled for a section on a Sunday, a fairly uncommon occurrence.  Judi arrived to keep us company and provide some greatly-appreciated moral support while we waited for things to get rolling and time to head to the surgical suite.  I walked down the hall with the nurse to have the epidural placed, and once prepped on the table they would bring Clif back to join me.  In theory...

The surgical staff was very friendly and kind, but I was not prepared for the horrific experience the next 20 minutes proved to be.  In order to place the epidural, I was positioned sitting on the edge of the surgery table and directed to hunch forward as far as I could (difficult with a giant belly), and push my spine back towards the anesthesiologist.  If you can't envision it just know that this is an awkward position to try to get into and hold BEFORE someone starts poking you with a giant hollow needle.  As he rooted around in my spine trying to get placed he hit nerves that not only sent shooting, searing pain through my whole body, it make my hips twitch involuntarily and straighten, which in turn compromised the precise position I was supposed to sit in.  I clutched the arms of the nurse in front of me, eventually unable to hold back my sobbing from the pain and discomfort.  All I could think of was how badly I wanted it to be over, how I didn't know if I could sit still another second, how I knew I had to remain perfectly still... and then the anesthesiologist said he was going to try placing it again, which meant removing what he'd already tried and bracing to endure more agony.  Finally they had me lay back on the table to finish prepping for surgery, but I could feel everything the everyone was doing.  Could feel the cold anesthetic through the line in my back, the pin-prick tingling in my legs and feet, didn't notice any significant loss of feeling, and I was worried.  They tested the epidural by poking me lightly with a sharp object and I felt it clearly, told them I felt like my legs were waking up after having been asleep.  More anesthetics were administered, but I still felt the test pokes.  Finally the anesthesiologist stood over my head and apologized that he would have to knock me out 'like last time'.  All I could say was I wasn't knocked out last time, the epidural had worked, then started crying all over again knowing I wouldn't be able to have the one thing I had hoped for this time: the chance to hold Toby right at delivery.  Certainly health and safety of him and myself was the most important factor, always, but I didn't get to hold Flynn at delivery, either, and I really wanted that immediate bonding experience.  The anesthesiologist told me to take 5 deep  breaths, the first 3 felt normal but the fourth tasted funny and I'm not even sure if I got the fifth one in before I was out cold.

I suddenly heard someone call my name and tell me 'he's here'.  I fought against the dark fogginess, knowing who 'he' was and wanting so desperately to wake up and see him.  I blinked my eyes fast and hard, trying to clear my head enough to focus.  I was in the recovery room and Clif stood next to me holding Toby.  I cried when I saw him, thought he was so beautiful and was flooded with happiness that he was here.  I was able to hold him then and the events of the morning melted away.  I have to be completely honest, I'm still disappointed the epidural didn't work, and probably always will be a little bit, but at least everyone was well and there weren't any emergencies.

The next couple of days in the hospital were less stressful than the scary first few as a first-time parent.  Our nursing staff was excellent and we had plenty of visitors to keep us company.  I had moments of feeling like maybe I was in more pain after this second section and spent the first day and a half wondering if I'd ever be able to get out of bed again, but I was up and walking the halls by the second day of recovery.  The nurses took Toby to the nursery at night so I could get some uninterrupted sleep for a couple of nights, but I was thankful to get discharged and back to the comforts of home.

Nursing was going very similarly to how it went with Flynn with some latching challenges, but I wasn't stressed about them like I had been before.  If using a nipple shield meant Toby could nurse successfully, then I decided I'd have no issue using it, even if it did add an extra layer of complication.  We've been using it all along, and it can be tedious at times, but we are nursing almost exclusively, without having to juggle making bottles and crazy pumping schedules, so Toby's care has felt much more streamlined, less stressful.  Three and a half months in and I'm finally getting off the couch more often, for longer periods, to be able to play with Flynn or do some chores.  The first couple of months I was barely able to get up to go to the bathroom as Toby's nursing schedule was constant.  While I did have some moments of frustration at feeling pretty useless at being able to do anything but nurse, it was great practice in learning how to put less important things aside and relish the bonding time.

We changed pediatricians before Flynn was 6 months old and I wish so much we had found Dr. Bill (our current pediatrician) first.  His relaxed demeanor and readiness to look at each child as a whole, rather than just some number on a chart, has made a world of difference in our early months with Toby.  Toby, like Flynn, is small and a slow weight gainer.  He lost 10% of his body weight at the hospital and we were right on the verge of having to introduce some supplementation, but Dr. Bill let us ride the fence and together we watched Toby carefully to make sure he at least maintained weight.  It took him a little bit longer than the preferred 2-week post-delivery bounce back, but sure enough he got back to his birth weight and has been gaining consistently since.  He's lower on the growth chart (but at least on it), has a blocked right tear duct we are working through, and signs of torticollis we do exercises for, but otherwise meeting all of his milestones, healthy, and happy.

Time flies so fast, everyone says that, but it's hard to imagine what that means until you experience it first hand.  Toby is already almost 4 months old, I feel like he just joined us yesterday.    I'm blessed to have been able to take 2 additional months of maternity leave, but what felt like such a long time at first is already more than half over and my return to work is looming on the horizon.  I love my job, I just love being able to be with my boys more.  This extra time has given me the chance to watch more of Toby's developments that I missed with Flynn.  He smiles often and so easily, is starting to laugh and test his voice.  He's learning to hold a rattle, starting to roll on his side, and even fell over to his back out of tummy time on his own.  Every day he's growing, I'm thrilled to be able to watch so much of it.

We are truly fortunate in our lives.  Clif and I are living so many of our dreams and we get to do it with two absolutely amazing boys.  Flynn loves Toby, it's a joy to watch him hug, kiss, and talk about his little brother.  I know they will have plenty of challenging times ahead, but they will also have so much love.  As I write this, with my sweet little baby sleeping in my lap, I wonder how we have been so blessed.