The past two months have been a roller coaster of excitement and anxiety. After waiting our doctor-prescribed amount of time to start trying again we found out we were pregnant almost immediately and beyond excited. But it was excitement laced with fear and worry. Clif and I both found it hard to not share our good news, however, so we started to share it in the hopes of gaining as much positive energy as we could. Positive energy is a miraculous thing, sadly for us right now it wasn't quite miraculous enough.
Just before going out of town for Thanksgiving we squeezed in the door for an extra-early ultrasound at just over six weeks. The technician was dubious she'd be able to see very much so it was an incredible blessing when she showed us the strong, steady flicker of a heartbeat on the screen. Statistics said once there is a heartbeat there is less than 10% chance of something going wrong. Needless to say, that was heartening news.
Today we went back for our official 8 week ultrasound and learned it's a good thing we aren't betting people.
Over the past several weeks, in an effort to try to relax, I changed my prayers to be less single-minded about success and more focused on seeking patience, peace, calm and acceptance of whatever the outcome may be as we went along. Tonight the acceptance is hard, really hard. I'm sad and angry and can't help wondering what is wrong with me (we lost both at the same time of development), it feels so unfair. This week is going to be awful and there is a huge part of me that doesn't want anything to do with the several unpleasant appointments looming, but I'll get through them. Then we'll try again.
